How to Fit in With a Colony of Vegetable Lovers

Rage Against The Green

I am walking down a street in Santa Monica when and a guy with long flowing hair and an accent runs up to me and asks, “Please, let me take you to dinner?” It was as if I had been transported into a Hilary Duff movie and I had no idea what to say. “I am sorry,” I reply “I am new here and don’t really trust anyone. I will give you my email?” He throws his head backwards as if I just have just slapped him in the face. (Dramatic? Yes, but in LA everyone is working on their acting career so it’s not out of the ordinary.) I can see the wheels in his brain turning. We both know he has 3 seconds to say something before I walk out of his life forever. As I turn to leave, he heroically shouts his last argument, “but you can trust me… I AM A VEGAN.” and that’s when I knew…(sigh)…we would never be together.

Attack of the Vegetables

What people forgot to tell me when I moved by the beach is that eating healthy is a real thing here. People actually believe in microwave-less cooking. They LOVE vegetables, farmer’s markets, and the word “fresh”. Every meal is calculated to perfection and people legitimately cook dinners that I have only seen on TV and assumed weren’t a realistic option for anyone less than Betty Crocker status. I have read plenty of blog posts about this lifestyle, but to see it so actively lived and promoted is a whole new story. I have to say I am impressed. In Provo we grab a Jamba Juice, jog around the block, and call it good. Here, eating well is a religion and running around the block would be considered a 5K.

The Alien in The Office

Flashback to my first week of work. I am innocently typing away when an unnamed coworker asks, “what is that?” He points to a red plastic cup on my desk with a Kit-Kat wrapper peaking out of the rim. “It’s candy?” I stammer. He picks up the cup, tips it over, and just like a snow globe an avalanche of empty fun-size wrappers come fluttering out. Time graciously froze so I could see my coworker’s wide-eyed reaction followed by “Gasp” #1. This was the first of many party fouls. I continued to shock this new health-centered community with my diet.

• “Gasp” #2 Came when I revealed that I brought a ravioli TV dinner for lunch.
• “Gasp” #3 when I suggested McDonalds for dinner
• “Gasp” #4 When I inhaled a bag of M&M’s mid-conversation during a meeting.
• “Gasp” #5 When I threw up in my mouth after my first taste of this…

Say hello to my arch nemesis, a shake made entirely out of plants called THE SLURRY.

Your turn to “gasp.”

Drink or Die

Sink or swim. I had been thrown into a colony of cabbage patch kids and if I wanted to fit in I was going to have to start drinking this thing.

Special Note to Green Monster Drinkers: This is not a green monster. A green monster has tons of fruit with a pinch of spinach to make it look green and seem unusually healthy but to taste like..Jamba Juice. The slurry is the opposite and could actually be considered fruit abuse. Even if it had a glimmer of hope called a pineapple, it would immediately sabotage it’s flavor with something that tasted like an onion.

This drink does NOT taste good and is a test to prove that you have what it takes to outlive everyone by 30 years. Here is the breakdown.

The Slurry Breakdown

A slurry can contain any combination of the following:

• Beets
• Celery
• Asparagus
• Spinach
• Lemon
• Ginger
• Bok choy
• Carrots
• Green Leaf Lettuce
• Pineapple (the poor thing)
• Zucchini
• Lime

It is then put into one of THESE and regurgitated for your drinking pleasure.

Side Effects From Drinking This Concoction of Earth.

After a burst of morning energy you will realize that the cheap Asian salad aftertaste in your mouth is not going anywhere. However, this drink is said to have vitamins A through Z and is actually really good for you. It can also keep you from getting sick and will help you gain or lose weight depending on what you want.

Beet Me Senseless

After 4 mornings of painstakingly trying to take more than two sips of the slurry, I had lost all hope. Was I ever going to be able to fit in? In this land of Trader Joe’s and granola is there a place for someone who lives for double-stuff Oreos? Head on my desk, my coworkers appeared with a peace offering. “We know how much you love chocolate so we made a slurry just for you.” Tears welled up in my eyes as they explained that they had blended all my favorite candy bars into a cup of hot chocolate.

The Choco Slurry Breakdown

The chocolate slurry contains all of the following, but is not limited to these candy bars. In fact this drink is limitless, there are endless amazing combinations:

• A Bag of M&Ms
• Two Mr. Goodbars
• Hershey’s Milk Chocolate
• Hershey’s Dark Chocolate
• Kit Kats
• Chocolate Chip Granola Bar
• Hot Chocolate- Extra Chocolate

Side Effects From Drinking ALL Your Favorite Candy Bars at Once

After a three-hour burst of energy from the high levels of caffeine you will crash. Completely pass out to the point of drooling only to be woken up by a tornado in your stomach. Worth it? Totally.

Note: make sure you have a solid tooth brush before drinking. 30 minutes of brushing will barely make a dent on the layers of sugar that will cement onto your teeth.

Why Can’t We Be Friends?

What I have learned from hanging with these Wild Oats is that people who love sugar and people who love salad can peacefully co-exist. There is room for both. Your tasting palette doesn’t define who you are, but your willingness to branch out and try something new does. Enjoy the recipes above: one will speed up your death the other will just taste like it.

I am interested to know what people drink or have been forced to drink to keep their bodies from deteriorating, if you have comments or recipes leave them below! Especially if it is a game-changer for your health and somehow doesn’t taste like it.