The Hulk vs. The Ex Girlfriend

I wish I could say the picture above isn’t me kicking an ex-boyfriends black Audi in Ugg boots (more sorry about the Ugg boots.) I wish I could say that I never left 4-part voicemails, threw library books, or was straight up close-lined by a set of monkey bars while walking away from a break up. If someone asked, I would deny choking down tubs of ice cream while listening to Taylor Swift. I would also deny that my roommates ever had to play red rover with my Jeep to stop me from driving (in surgical boots) through a snow storm to win someone back. Enter image of surgical boots:

Although all these college stories are mortifying, I learned a lot over those years that may help women who are slowly transforming into hot messes as we speak. At the cost of my pride (as if I had any after showcasing a photo post bunion surgery), I am willing to admit what few women will. My name is Carly. I am 25-years-old. And I am an incredible ex-girlfriend.

Monstor Mash

In May 1962 Marvel comics introduced one of the greatest antiheroes of all time: The Hulk. Wikipedia describes him as mutated humanoid monster with an inability to control his rage.

He is also described as an emotional, impulsive alter ego of a withdrawn and reserved physicist. This makes him the comic book character most relateable to—-

Women and/or EX’s (I won’t be exclusive with this post. Looping in passionate males).

At this point you may be wondering… Why am I drawing a comparison between the hulk and emotionally unstable Taylor Swifts? Because Nerds in a basement somewhere were passive aggressively trying to help those struggling with separation anxiety via sharpie markers and this tiny gem of information:

Dr. Banner was able to find a way to control an overwhelming alterego by avoiding emotional triggers. These triggers were anything that caused: anger, terror, or grief.

To continue the service of Marvel, and to put my years of research to good use, I will be spelling out triggers to avoid. This is specific to anyone trying to get over a breakup in a way that limits their need for damage control later on.

Trigger 1: Social Media

Immediately delete the individual on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, etc. etc. In extreme cases (ie: “the love of your life” or “the one who got away”) unfollow any of their close friends and family temporarily. It’s the same idea as trying to avoid finding out the ending of Downton Abbey before you get to watch it. Shield your eyes and unfollow anyone who is known for being a buzz kill when it comes to epic moments in historic dramas.

Over time you can win these privileges back, but for the immediate time being watching someone live while you are dying is never a good idea. If you give a mouse a cookie, he will want milk. If you give an emotionally unstable girl her ex-boyfriends profile on Facebook, she will will want to read every comment from other girls and question their friends in common for details. It’s like a slow motion train wreck. I have seen entire breakdowns over scenarios made up from reading one 140 character tweet.

Trigger 2: Saying Sorry

A street performer in LA (surprisingly very credible life mentors) once told me, “Don’t be sorry. A sorry person is a sad person.” I believe it. If you did something wrong, say it once. Make it epic. Chase him down in the rain, show up on his doorstep, get edgy and vandalize a freeway overpass by poking millions of plastic red cups through a chain link fence to spell out the word “SORRY.” Make sure he knows you mean it. After that move on.

You accept the love you think you deserve and by repeatedly apologizing you create an idea that you don’t deserve forgiveness or much of anything. Over time this will do damage to your self-esteem and change you into a person you don’t recognize.

Trigger 3: Staying Friends

By far the worst part of breaking up is losing a best friend. And not like a Homeward Bound lost my best friend in the wilderness kind of way. More like a Men in Black my best friend was possessed by an alien type of way.

You may be experiencing hulk tendancies, but the breakup-ee goes through major metamorphic changes as well. But to be honest, it doesn’t matter what strange things he/she is doing to compensate for what happened. What matters is that their relationship to you has changed. They may look the same, they may even act the same around you at different times, but they are not the same person that they were with you before they decided to call it quits. Nor can they go back to that point.

But why can’t you still be friends?

You can. I am not saying you can’t. I am friends with two of my ex’s and we often laugh about the times we ripped each other’s hearts out over brunch. But it takes time. And if you don’t give it enough time, you will find yourself having to repeatedly start all over in the recovery process. I once had a former boyfriend ask me “how long till we can be friends?” Unfortunately, there is not a timeline. For some people it’s two weeks I have seen other’s still recovering three years later. Here is a way to gauge “How long.”

It hasn’t been long enough if:

• You are having to “work on your relationship.” (You are not in a relationship. You are friends. A good friendship requires little to no effort.)
• You can’t talk about each other’s love lives.
• If they are inconsistent with how they treat you.
• You are frustrated more often than you are laughing after hanging out and are distracted when they don’t text you back.
• You pretend you are dating other guys, but would fail a pop quiz about the names and occupations of all the people you recently went on dates with.

It has been long enough if:

• You have dated multiple people since.
• If they asked you if you wanted to get dinner you would go unshowered and suggest taco bell.
• Can laugh about how much you hated or still hate each other.
• Only think about them when you are with them.
• Think more about your good times together than your bad.
• Could go to their wedding and hug their other half with the right amount of pressure.

I Gotta Go My Own Way

I hate telling people what they can’t do without telling them what they can. In closing, here are things you can do that are not triggers that do help.

• Sleep. There is a reason people tell you to “sleep on it.” Bad decisions involving Damien Rice lyrics as your Facebook status, were never made with a good amount of ZZZZ’s. If you can’t sleep exercise until you can. I recommend Richard Simmons work out tapes for obvious reasons.
• Hang out with people who are funny.
• Help someone else out. My Dad once told me “If it is too hard to be in your world, put yourself in someone else’s.” Distract yourself by doing good for someone else.
• Surround yourself with men who treat you well and say nice things about you. Even if it’s  just your nephew. And you paid him in M&M’s.
• Stop focusing on what you don’t have and look at what you do. They make movies like Win a Date with Tad Hamilton for a reason. There is almost ALWAYS a guy best friend who has been there all along. Turn around and kiss. his. mouth.
• Start over: Get a haircut, buy converse high-tops, rearrange your room, put up poster’s of strong female roles (Stevie Nicks, Carley Simon, Robyn, etc.), and channel your energy to start a new life or start dancing like this:

So there you have it. The best tips I can give when it comes to going your own way.

If you need a support team, you know where to find me and Vanessa.