Browsing Category

Life

Trapped in a Room with a ZOMBIE
Explore LA, Life, Los Angeles

Explore LA: Trapped in a Room with a ZOMBIE!!

The greatest piece of wisdom I have ever received at work came from my coworker John Shi.

Trapped in a room with a zombie even in Los Angeles.
What zombie thing you ask? The ‘experience’ is called Trapped in a Room with a Zombie presented by Room Escape Adventures. Yes, there is in fact such a thing as having to problem solve your way out of a room with a zombie in it and for a limited time only you can participate. Don’t ask me details. My zombie team isn’t going until next week. All I know is:

  1. The zombie is on a chain that extends every few minutes
  2. There is a disclaimer about getting eaton by said zombie
  3. You have to find a key to get out
  4. Less than a handful of teams have made it out in the 60 minute time slot
  5. This is every Walking Dead fan’s dream
  6. This sounds way better than seeing another movie with Liam Neeson (referring to Nonstop, don’t see it) or taking a date to ride the same ferris wheel that everyone has already ridden at the Santa Monica pier.

You can over think it and read more about the experience here OR you could just assume that being locked in a room with a zombie and having to use your critical thinking skills with a team of 12 people to survive would be AWESOME and buy a ticket here.

Also, because I sit next to the world’s best search engine, Vince. I have a code you can use to get 50% off. Be one of the first five people to share this post, tag @thecarlybird, and I will send you the coupon. This experience isn’t limited to LA. You can check their locations here to find a zombie room near you.
^ Offer Has Expired

Cheers!

The After Math

Trapped in a Room with a Zombie

This was awesome. I wish I could force you all to do it. There is something hilarious about the chaos that comes from being trapped in a room for 60 minutes with a room full of locks, puzzles, mind games, and codes, while simultaneously trying to tame a zombie into not eating your best friend John Liu. If you have ever wanted to feel beads of sweat dripping down your face as you tried to save the world, you will love this experience. I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Note: Some people in this photo look displeased – ahem, Eric – this is because we lost the game with only one more lock to open to get the escape key. This does something to men that I can’t explain. If I had to guess the emotions are comparable to Whitney Houston singing “DIDN’T WE ALMOST HAVE IT ALL?!” at full volume. Not for the faint of heart.

Why You Should Walk Away From Car Salesmen and Mediocre Boyfriends
Life, Popular Posts

Why You Should Walk Away From Car Salesmen and Mediocre Boyfriends

A few years ago, I needed a new car. I had finally killed my college vehicle that had become my second home and a loving graveyard for all of my mix tapes and fast food wrappers.

Why You Should Walk Away From Car Salesmen and Mediocre Boyfriends

Overwhelmed, I quickly went to the nearest dealership and test drove two cars. Within a half hour I was talked into potentially buying an orange Honda Fit by a salesman. Could I get it in the color I wanted? No. Was it long enough for my pencil arms? No. Was it the right price? No. Did it have a hatchback, a good warranty, and smell super nice? Yes. Lets take a second to let the stupidity sink in.

honda fit palm springs.sized

I really wanted this car. More than I wanted the one other car I drove. I was convinced it was the best new smelling car I could get and because negotiating makes me uncomfortable, I made the decision that I was going to get this car no matter the price.

Until, a friend called me.

“I can’t let people think I would hang out with someone who drives an orange Honda Fit,” he said. “I’ll help you shop tomorrow.”

Ironically enough this orange-Fit hating friend was a red head, but he was also insanely good at getting what he wanted. The next day he taught me one thing that has changed the way I buy cars, but more importantly, changed the way I date. It’s called: walking away.

After spending an entire day at dealerships, I learned two things:

  • There were more fish in the sea, and more cars in my budget than I had initially researched
  • Salesmen negotiated the best deals and made better recommendations if they knew you weren’t afraid to walk away.

It wasn’t a game of cat and mouse or a game of who cared less. It had nothing to do with either. It was a game of not settling, and getting exactly what I wanted.

I drove a bunch of cars and my friend quickly helped me make a list of what I had to have and couldn’t live without. Once I finished my checklist it made it simple to talk to car salesmen. Can I get it in this color? Yes. Can I get it for this price? No. WALK AWAY.

Easy right?

Not really. Not all women are built like red-headed men. We can sometimes get attached to things more quickly. You could give me a rock and by the end of the day I would have given it a name and be emotional about leaving it outside in the cold. So, it doesn’t come naturally for me to find a car, get attached to the sunroof, and pretend I am not crying inside as I walk away from it because the salesman wouldn’t fix the dent in the bumper. What if he didn’t come back with a counter offer? What if I didn’t find a car I liked as much? And most importantly, what if I never got to experience driving through Las Vegas with my torso through a sunroof?

Titanic

 

I didn’t believe in the system until one day I finally got the car I wanted.

And I didn’t believe they system applied to dating until a couple years ago when I used that car to drive away from someone that I honestly believed I couldn’t live without.

Over the years, I have seen many friends stay in dead-end relationships and settle for what they don’t want because they are scared that if they walk away they won’t find what they are looking for. But the truth is: if you don’t walk away you GUARANTEE that you won’t find what you are looking for.

There are men that won’t commit to you, because they know you won’t walk away. There are men who won’t allow you to be true to yourself, because they know you will cave. And there are men who will continue to hurt you because they know in a game of chicken you would lose willingly.

I know because at different points in my life I have been there.

But I am grateful for the friend I had that told me Honda Fits were ugly. Just like I am grateful for the friend that helped me drive away from someone who was a really great person, but couldn’t give me what I wanted.

In short, if you need to buy a car or find a soul mate:

  1. Find out what will make you happy
  2. Ask for it
  3. Be true to yourself, and walk away if you can’t get it

Some guys don’t counter offer.

Some guys don’t follow you when you leave.

But inevitably one guy will step up to the plate if you give him a chance. And these boots were made for walking toward that one.

Image Creds: Featured Image – 8 Tracks, Honda Fit – Edmunds

Counteract Boredom at Work
Life

11 Things To Do At Work Besides Working

I lie every Monday morning. Someone gets in the elevator, we awkwardly make eye contact, and a millisecond of silence sets off a chain reaction of default small talk beginning with, “Ah man, back to the daily grind.” The conversation ends with someone grumbling in response at a very low decibel as we shuffle out of the elevator. But let’s be serious. What are we, lumberjacks? What daily thing am I grinding? Why do we say that?

Some people have to walk into a coal mine on Monday mornings. I walk into an office with delicate Macbook Air computers and a meeting room with a leather couch that is actually called ‘Lounge Town’. Anyway, my point is this. Work is work, but it doesn’t have to be a grind.

And it could be amazing if you took a moment to appreciate your coworkers and the greatest gift that comes with working in an office.

Distractions.

Today marks my two year anniversary at BLITZ. Over those 730 days in the same 800 square ft sea of Ikea desks, I have seen a wide range of entertaining distractions that I honestly believe could not be fully appreciated in any other atmosphere. These moments are rare and can only happen when a group of people have hit the highest level of boredom possible, triggering a chaotic stream of creativity.

Creativity that couldn’t reach its full potential any other way.

Creativity that makes me love being an average human being.

Creativity that proves no man can be tamed, even in khaki pants.

I have documented some of my favorite ways that my coworkers and I have found to escape our Excel sheets and Keynote presentations to reach a higher level of office stimulation.

Here we go. 10 Things To Do At Work Besides Working.

1. Assign Theme Music to Impassioned Coworkers

Play it whenever they energetically start talking about pie charts, Yelp reviews, conference call etiquette, Jeff Goldblum, Oxford commas, or search engine optimization.

John Liu Speaks Soundtrack


2. Make opening packages a team effort.

Ship everything you buy online to your office. There is nothing more captivating than an unopened box.

Especially if it’s muffins.

girls and muffins

Protein powder.

FI3NMS on Make A Gif, Animated Gifs

Or Warby Parker sunglass samples.

Warbly Parker Sunglasses

3. Test out tactical gear.

Jonathan Nafarrete

tacticle

4. Learn to unicycle.

Learn to unicycle at work

5. Work out

working out at work

6. Discuss hypotheticals. Constantly. Until all possible scenarios have been exhausted.

Lately, my personal favorite debate has been:
How many John Shis would it take to beat up one Eric?

Hypothetical

Would you purposely sacrifice an initial wave of John Shis to distract from the John Shi that would finish him off? Would the John Shis have time to train? Would the John Shis have an advantage because they are lower to the ground? Discuss.

7. Determine Office Feats of Strength

Hypotheticals can only take you so far. When it is undetermined who could actually win in a fight (and HR won’t let you start a fight club) you only have one reasonable option. Determine competitions to predict the outcome of a potential fight. These feats of strength could be:

Showcasing fight techniques in slow motion

Office Self Defense on Make A Gif

Taking turns punching someone’s arm to let them judge the hardest hit.

Office Fight Club on Make A Gif

This.

Cat Fight with Kaitlin

Ramming cubicle walls.

Cubicle Tackle

And finally, the Harry Carry (a race to see who could carry one of our designers, Harry, across the office fastest.)

The Harry Carry

8. Throw magnets at the ceiling.

bucky balls

Buy bucky balls on the black market. Draw dry erase targets on the ceiling and shoot away.

9. Conversation hop

Walk in circles near areas known for interesting conversations. When you hear something you like, chime in. It doesn’t matter if it’s private, it just matters that it isn’t about work.

conversation hop

10. Open a coconut

With a survival knife.

coconut

Or a four story building

Coconut on Make A Gif

11. Join a Space Team

A new app called Space Team syncs up smart phones so that four people can hone their skills of yelling space commands at each other while furiously swiping levers on their screens to get a ship home safely. I promise it looks more ridiculous than it sounds.

And there you have it. Everything I have done in my corporate life instead of grinding.

Projects come and go, but coworkers never do. These guys are my space team for life and my sanity during late-night storms of proposals and presentations. We have accomplished a lot of great things together when it comes to innovative digital strategies for clients, and I attribute it to our ability to take a minute to think outside the box (or ram through it).

While I am stoked about the things we have done in the advertising realm over the last two years, everything I love about working has nothing to do with work.

Cheers guys.

10 Things to Do At Work Besides Working

How to Leave Utah
Life, Popular Posts

How to Leave Utah

It’s been a little over a year since I moved from Utah to Los Angeles. I haven’t run into any celebrities besides Mario Lopez and parts of my car have not been stolen, so I am still considered a transplant. However, the header image of this post is not me looking sexy in a Dodger’s hat which pushes me higher on the LA local scale. (Having Jerry Sloan and Jef Holm on the header image pushes me back down to transplant, but lets pretend I have enough authority to write this post.) Since I left the mother ship, I have repeatedly been asked two questions from friends back home. 1) “When are you coming back?” 2) “What is it like to leave?”

To the former, when Utah stops doing this:

To the latter, this post is for you.

This past year has been a game changer. Enough to break my 3-month blogging sabbatical to tell my friends who are standing at the edge of an overcrowded pool in Provo somewhere… to jump ship. Also, to abandon LIME RICKI SWIMWEAR (<-link surprise). Here we go. A beginners guide to leaving Utah.

1. If You Leave, Don’t Look Back.

Not to get OMD. But really. The more you miss Provo, the worse your move will be. You can’t move forward if you are always looking back, so step one is to exhaust every ounce of your Provo being before you leave. Stock up on J Dawgs, hit up the Raintree pool, and date like it’s the 4th of July on University Avenue. When you start getting bored of history repeating itself, dance parties with Cotton Eye Joe, and mini golf, you will know- It’s time. It is time.

2. Don’t Panic When You Realize There Is No One to Date

I loved the things people used to tell me as I was getting in my car to leave the Mormon dating capital of the world. “It only takes one.” or “There are too many guys in Provo to choose from, dating will be so much easier in a smaller pool.” NOOO not true. It’s the worst. Ha ha.

Your options will never be as plentiful as Provo. And dating will never be as easy. Since people in Provo like to talk about dating like ice cream flavors, I made you a visual.

It doesn’t look good. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t move.

One year later, I don’t have a husband or kids, but it doesn’t mean I am single, alone, or family-less. I am a committed partner to coworkers, I am a mom to friends who never had anyone to tell them to stop smoking weed, I am a sister to my close girlfriends, and I am a daughter to two bosses, a Bishop, and a Baptist Pastor.

Relationships I have built with strangers in an overwhelming city have been stronger than any relationship I built playing arcade games at Nickelcade with dates in Provo. And surprisingly, I am more happy. Relationships in and of themselves, are about learning to love someone else to the point where you couldn’t live without them. That doesn’t stop when you move. You actually learn how to do it better.

Also, you start to realize quickly that the people you want to date are the ones who have expanded their horizons. They are few and far between, but quality over quantity? That brown ice cream cone could be moose tracks.

3. Stop Acting Like You Are Still in Utah

When I first moved, I hated it. But it’s because I acted like I was living in Utah, when I clearly was not. I only hung out with friends from college, I only went to Provo-extended parties, I tried to plan 4 different events into one night regardless of the fact that LA has an insane problem with traffic, and I chose to eat at chain restaurants because they were cheap and familiar. I should be punished for single-handedly keeping Applebees in business.

One day I realized I was depriving myself of the only real experience I have ever had outside of Utah. I decided to do the opposite of what I normally would do and the tables turned. I fell in love with real Los Angeles food (it’s an art). I started hanging out with coworkers outside of work who became my best friends. I learned my neighbor’s viewpoint on alien abductions and looked up “must see” places around the city. I adapted to the culture and quickly became obsessed with the abnormal quirks of the strangest city I will ever live in.

4. Figure Out Who You Are When All Of Your 1,000 Best Friends Are Not Around

Freak. You don’t have to wear make up or shower when you leave Provo. Nobody will know you. I would rank this as my #1 reason to get out. There is a sense of freedom that comes with being able to do things on your own without worrying what people will think. These things include but are not limited to:

  • Going to a movie by yourself
  • Eating Taco Bell in bed
  • Experimenting with leopard prints and high-wasted jeans
  • Talking to strangers at dinner about alligator wrestling techniques
  • Figuring out if you love Quinoa or if you think it tastes like rubber

I have learned more about myself this year than any other cumulative year in my entire life. This includes turning 14 and getting the puberty talk (Men reading this just shut their laptops).

5. Adopt Brad Pitt as a Godfather

As Brad Pitt said with his baby blues in World War Z, “Movement is Life.” If you move, you have a better chance at surviving a zombie apocolypse, but more importantly, you have a better chance of surviving a fate that I believe to be much worse…staying the same. A year from now, after you have left, when you think of all the tears, confusion, and the nights you were homesick for Sunday night dessert parties, you will look in the mirror and see someone that accomplished something hard and you will like yourself much better for doing it. Growth is a beautiful thing and as George Zimmer would say:


Stand Up Desks
Life, Popular Posts

Say No to Stand Up Desks

I currently sit in the armpit of Eric Chevalier. This is thanks to a free-thinker who thought they were benefiting society by shopping at Whole Foods and developing the stand up desk with abandoned Ikea furniture.

Our office recently gave everyone the option to get a stand up desk or to continue using chairs. This put me and my desk neighbor Eric in an awkward position, but mostly it put me at eye level with any object that rolls across the edge of his desk and into my forehead. As a result, over the last three months I have documented my coworkers with stand up desks to reveal the truth about taking a stand. Here are some of disadvantages I have noticed: (Note – All of the photos below were taken unknowingly over the course of three months. Dedication.)

1. Set Up

Building a piece of furniture from Ikea is about as stressful as taking the ACT. Except with the ACT you are guaranteed that the critical thinking nightmare won’t be longer than 4 hours. So unless you have an intern who will build the desk for you and measure your eye levels to guarantee optimal posture, stop. (So basically unless you have Spencer, which you don’t because we have him.)

2. Sidlers

Seinfeld introduced the “sideler” during its 162nd episode. A sideler is anyone who sneaks up behind you without you knowing. Refer to the pirated video below:

Because you are always standing, you are always in a vulnerable position for sidlers walking by. However, it could be argued that a professional sideler can commit to meeting various eye levels.

3. Full exposure to your feet.

Unless you have presentable shoes that also meet the comfort level needed to stand all day, stand up desks are not a good option for you. Vibram FiveFingers are also not a good option for you.

4. Nobody wants to stand all day.

This becomes a problem when you have a standing desk. As a result, I have seen all sorts of strange solutions to avoid the discomfort.

Standing on an inflateable.

Denial that you have a stand up desk.

Denial that you are at work.

Benefits?

So far, I have only seen one benefit to the stand up desk discovered by Ellen Lu. And that is, there is more space to hang photos of good looking men. Slow clap goes out to Ellen for making lemonade out of lemons, and a beautiful montage out of a somewhat disfunctional color printer.

What’s Next

Although some of you may continue to deny that your stand up desk is killing your feet and that you schedule meetings for no reason other than to sit in a chair, others might be interested in more comfortable alternatives. Here are some new up and coming trends I have seen in the office:

Arms elevated.

Feet elevated

Legs perpendicular

Laying down

Cardboard

Something to Sit On

What are your thoughts about standing desks? Ikea no Ikea? Maybe an upgrade to this sit-stand contraption? Or even better this desk that looks like it could be transformed into a segway? Or literally going the ‘extra mile’ with a treadmill addition? This trial with a unicycle addition didn’t go so well, but I’m open for comments and suggestions.


Google

Daniel Rossi Beach Interviews
Life, Los Angeles

On The Street Interviews with Daniel Rossi

Hello Venice Beach

I wish I had an explanation for this. I dont. Have you ever met someone for the first time and realized you were meant to do sub-par street interviews together?

At the time this seemed like a good idea. And since this was in fact the first time me and Daniel Rossi ever met in person, it didn’t seem weird at all to also film each other singing Taylor Swift with bongo drummers, street vendors, and some poster children for marijuana (see below). Regardless of how it happened or how awkward you will feel watching both these videos, let’s all be thankful that it did. Bless you Venice beach for putting your hearts into pop country, roller skating, and extensive basketball tutorials.

A special thanks to all the friends we made that day including but not limited to: Nunu, J-Swift (Check out his rap/tutorials on Black History at TupacRadio.com or follow him on Twitter), Jef Holm, Oliver from Austria, and Russ shooting the totes.

Taylor Swift from the Voice of Venice Beach

The Hulk vs. The Ex Girlfriend
, Life

The Hulk vs. The Ex Girlfriend

I wish I could say the picture above isn’t me kicking an ex-boyfriends black Audi in Ugg boots (more sorry about the Ugg boots.) I wish I could say that I never left 4-part voicemails, threw library books, or was straight up close-lined by a set of monkey bars while walking away from a break up. If someone asked, I would deny choking down tubs of ice cream while listening to Taylor Swift. I would also deny that my roommates ever had to play red rover with my Jeep to stop me from driving (in surgical boots) through a snow storm to win someone back. Enter image of surgical boots:

Although all these college stories are mortifying, I learned a lot over those years that may help women who are slowly transforming into hot messes as we speak. At the cost of my pride (as if I had any after showcasing a photo post bunion surgery), I am willing to admit what few women will. My name is Carly. I am 25-years-old. And I am an incredible ex-girlfriend.

Monstor Mash

In May 1962 Marvel comics introduced one of the greatest antiheroes of all time: The Hulk. Wikipedia describes him as mutated humanoid monster with an inability to control his rage.

He is also described as an emotional, impulsive alter ego of a withdrawn and reserved physicist. This makes him the comic book character most relateable to—-

Women and/or EX’s (I won’t be exclusive with this post. Looping in passionate males).

At this point you may be wondering… Why am I drawing a comparison between the hulk and emotionally unstable Taylor Swifts? Because Nerds in a basement somewhere were passive aggressively trying to help those struggling with separation anxiety via sharpie markers and this tiny gem of information:

Dr. Banner was able to find a way to control an overwhelming alterego by avoiding emotional triggers. These triggers were anything that caused: anger, terror, or grief.

To continue the service of Marvel, and to put my years of research to good use, I will be spelling out triggers to avoid. This is specific to anyone trying to get over a breakup in a way that limits their need for damage control later on.

Trigger 1: Social Media

Immediately delete the individual on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, etc. etc. In extreme cases (ie: “the love of your life” or “the one who got away”) unfollow any of their close friends and family temporarily. It’s the same idea as trying to avoid finding out the ending of Downton Abbey before you get to watch it. Shield your eyes and unfollow anyone who is known for being a buzz kill when it comes to epic moments in historic dramas.

Over time you can win these privileges back, but for the immediate time being watching someone live while you are dying is never a good idea. If you give a mouse a cookie, he will want milk. If you give an emotionally unstable girl her ex-boyfriends profile on Facebook, she will will want to read every comment from other girls and question their friends in common for details. It’s like a slow motion train wreck. I have seen entire breakdowns over scenarios made up from reading one 140 character tweet.

Trigger 2: Saying Sorry

A street performer in LA (surprisingly very credible life mentors) once told me, “Don’t be sorry. A sorry person is a sad person.” I believe it. If you did something wrong, say it once. Make it epic. Chase him down in the rain, show up on his doorstep, get edgy and vandalize a freeway overpass by poking millions of plastic red cups through a chain link fence to spell out the word “SORRY.” Make sure he knows you mean it. After that move on.

You accept the love you think you deserve and by repeatedly apologizing you create an idea that you don’t deserve forgiveness or much of anything. Over time this will do damage to your self-esteem and change you into a person you don’t recognize.

Trigger 3: Staying Friends

By far the worst part of breaking up is losing a best friend. And not like a Homeward Bound lost my best friend in the wilderness kind of way. More like a Men in Black my best friend was possessed by an alien type of way.

You may be experiencing hulk tendancies, but the breakup-ee goes through major metamorphic changes as well. But to be honest, it doesn’t matter what strange things he/she is doing to compensate for what happened. What matters is that their relationship to you has changed. They may look the same, they may even act the same around you at different times, but they are not the same person that they were with you before they decided to call it quits. Nor can they go back to that point.

But why can’t you still be friends?

You can. I am not saying you can’t. I am friends with two of my ex’s and we often laugh about the times we ripped each other’s hearts out over brunch. But it takes time. And if you don’t give it enough time, you will find yourself having to repeatedly start all over in the recovery process. I once had a former boyfriend ask me “how long till we can be friends?” Unfortunately, there is not a timeline. For some people it’s two weeks I have seen other’s still recovering three years later. Here is a way to gauge “How long.”

It hasn’t been long enough if:

  • You are having to “work on your relationship.” (You are not in a relationship. You are friends. A good friendship requires little to no effort.)
  • You can’t talk about each other’s love lives.
  • If they are inconsistent with how they treat you.
  • You are frustrated more often than you are laughing after hanging out and are distracted when they don’t text you back.
  • You pretend you are dating other guys, but would fail a pop quiz about the names and occupations of all the people you recently went on dates with.

It has been long enough if:

  • You have dated multiple people since.
  • If they asked you if you wanted to get dinner you would go unshowered and suggest taco bell.
  • Can laugh about how much you hated or still hate each other.
  • Only think about them when you are with them.
  • Think more about your good times together than your bad.
  • Could go to their wedding and hug their other half with the right amount of pressure.

I Gotta Go My Own Way

I hate telling people what they can’t do without telling them what they can. In closing, here are things you can do that are not triggers that do help.

  • Sleep. There is a reason people tell you to “sleep on it.” Bad decisions involving Damien Rice lyrics as your Facebook status, were never made with a good amount of ZZZZ’s. If you can’t sleep exercise until you can. I recommend Richard Simmons work out tapes for obvious reasons.
  • Hang out with people who are funny.
  • Help someone else out. My Dad once told me “If it is too hard to be in your world, put yourself in someone else’s.” Distract yourself by doing good for someone else.
  • Surround yourself with men who treat you well and say nice things about you. Even if it’s  just your nephew. And you paid him in M&M’s.
  • Stop focusing on what you don’t have and look at what you do. They make movies like Win a Date with Tad Hamilton for a reason. There is almost ALWAYS a guy best friend who has been there all along. Turn around and kiss. his. mouth.
  • Start over: Get a haircut, buy converse high-tops, rearrange your room, put up poster’s of strong female roles (Stevie Nicks, Carley Simon, Robyn, etc.), and channel your energy to start a new life or start dancing like this:

So there you have it. The best tips I can give when it comes to going your own way.

If you need a support team, you know where to find me and Vanessa.

Fluffer Nutter Sandwich
Food, Life

Meet the Fluffer Nutter

The first time I realized my coworker was an extreme foodie was when he spent 10 minutes breaking down the elements of what makes a good popsicle. Turns out that if you want to know everything there is to know about the ideal frozen sugar-free fruit freeze, there is a foodie for that. His name is John Liu. And he graduated when he was 15. Meaning he learned how describe his upper-class palette with words like texture, umami, and froth at the same age that I was inhaling frosty covered chicken nuggets.

Since, it is not healthy to let him keep pacing by my desk and thrusting his forehead into his palms out of frustration of my eating habits, I agreed to do a food challenge. And in honor of the greatest tumblr of all time selleckwaterfallsandwich.tumblr.com, I will be illustrating the entire post incorporating Tom Selleck, waterfalls, and this weeks feature: the Fluffer Nutter sandwich. Without further adieu meet John Liu

The Foodie – John Liu

My favorite CarlyBird.com blog post is How To Fit in With a Colony of Vegetable Lovers. This post has everything – great cover image, hilarious anecdote, and then… a list of “Gasps” that I happened to be a part of.

I gasped when Carly brought her tv dinner for lunch, and again when she was so enthusiastic for McDonald’s. Not because I’m a healthy eating nut, but because I’m a foodie. I love good food – it’s really important to me that to make as many meals as possible a great experience.

The Tragedy

Meals are opportunities to delight your senses – and you only get so many of them. You’re only really in charge of your own food after you’re an adult with a stable income, and there’s always going to be times you’re just too busy or too broke. So, in reality, you only get to control what you eat for about 15,000 meals in your lifetime. To some people, that’s a lot. To me, that’s a depressing limit.

Coming from this mindset, it’s shocking to me how many people (like Carly) just throw away their opportunities to have a delicious meal, settling for something bland or generic.

The Challenge

So, we bring you the Carly Bird Food Challenge. I’m going to challenge Carly to eat a variety of different things. Some of them I expect her to like, for others “hopeful” would be a better word.

Episode 1: The Fluffernutter Sandwich

For the first week, I figured we’d start off with something easy that we could make in Carly’s kitchen that she’s almost guaranteed to like. I picked a regional specialty from where I grew up in Southern New England – the Fluf fernutter Sandwich.

Marshmallow Fluff, also known as marshmallow creme, is a sweet, spreadable marshmallow-like confection – more or less spreadable sugar. It was popularized in Somerville, MA – a small suburb of Boston – and has become a regional tradition, right up there with clam chowder, lobstah rolls, and the New York System.

and the city of Somerville responded by starting an annual Fluff festival.

Fluff is most popularly eaten as part of a Fluffernutter Sandwich – a sandwich of white bread, fluff, and peanut butter. It’s like a PB&J, except with Fluff. Sweeter, chewier, and still (kind of) delicious. These sandwiches are actually a little too sweet for my palate, but I figured it’d be a great fit for the recipient of the Choco Slurry.

The Review- Carly Bird

I don’t know how to do a food review other than saying I endorse this sandwich. It’s super easy to make and packed with sugar. The marshmellow fluff had the perfect amount of froth to make this creamy textured sandwich delish. I would give this selection a 10.

Help John Liu help me by listing any food ideas for next time below or just comment with your feelings about Tom Selleck and the Fluffer Nutter.

BreakingUpWIthKentTuttle
Life, Popular Posts

Breaking Up With Kent Tuttle

For those of you who don’t know, I was recently featured on an internet dating show called The Mormon Bachelor as a bachelorette. It was announced today that the bachelor, Kent Tuttle, has decided to leave the show. I have had some rough break ups in the past, but I have to say that this one is probably the hardest. I wasn’t expecting a relationship with so much promise, and so many unique page views on the internet, to end so fast. I also wasn’t expecting to get dumped by Kent’s producer’s intern via iPhone (Devin you did a great job and should get a raise.) Since I didn’t get the bad news from Kent Tuttle himself, I am left to assume the worst. Here are just a few reasons why I think our relationship may have ended.

1. Not Playing Hard to Get

There are two rules to playing hard to get. A) Put in little to no effort B) Keep your affections mysterious. Considering the fact that I spent time filling out an application to date Kent Tuttle, followed by a web video, followed by a Facebook post with comments from my girlfriends that said, “You will thank me when you are in Kent Tuttle’s arms.” It was difficult to play the mysterious “maybe I like you, maybe I don’t” card.

2. Playing too Hard to Get

Unfortunately, when I applied for TMB (Lingo for The Mormon Bachelor) nobody informed me that Kent Tuttle would be moving into my ward before the show actually taped. Trying to start a conversation with someone you made a web video to date and never planned on seeing outside of context is harder than you would think. My solution? Running. It was sort of a “bad luck to see the bride before the wedding” type of mindset. Our date wasn’t for two weeks and I wanted our first moments together to be caught on camera for our future kids to see. What I didn’t realize while I was diving behind church pews, is that Kent was getting the impression that I wasn’t interested. My distance was the beginning of a downward spiral in our relationship that ultimately drove a heartbroken Tuttle into the arms of another woman.

3. Trust Issues

I started getting an uneasy feeling about me and Kent’s relationship on June 8th when I read the following statement on his blog, “I am 6’6″ and my high center of gravity makes surfing a little tricky for me.” I had the sinking feeling that he might have been lying. A few days later my worst fears were confirmed by an anonymous friend who happens to be 6’6″.

Our foundation of trust was shattered.

4. Revealing Deal Breakers

Emily Maynard charmed the world when she used the Flawless Flaws strategy on a recent episode of the Bachelorette. The Flawless Flaws strategy is simple. You reveal flaws that are just big enough to show you aren’t too perfect, but small enough to not be considered a party foul. For example one of Emily’s go-to’s is “I go to the grocery store in my pajamas.” By using simple phrases like this one, she is able to show the world that although she is gorgeous and a new-born celebrity…she is a real person too.

In my efforts to seem real and relateable on camera, I revealed several flaws on my audition tape. Unfortunately, I underestimated the impact my honesty would have on Kent, Cougs Rock, and 5b30e80e-b23e-11-e-b2d3-000bcdca4d7a. Read below…

The flaws I revealed were shocking enough to elicit a “wow” response from both blog commenters. Coincidence? I don’t think so. It was looking very possible that my plan backfired and that I revealed deal breakers instead of minor road bumps too early in the relationship. In an effort to prove I was still worthy of Kent’s love I recently ran to the only place I could think of to get honest raw feedback, Venice Beach…. I asked the following men if each of these things were deal breakers.

Battle For Kent’s Love: COUGS ROCK VS. CARLYBIRD

Round 1: No Cooking Skills

Round 1 Winner- Carlybird. This response was common from the males I interviewed at Venice beach. Shocking? Not really. Yes Cougs Rock, guys outside of Provo don’t live off of frozen taquitos, hot pockets, and whatever is left over in the neighbor girl’s pantry. Man up and buy a skillet.

Round 2: Bad Driving

Round 2 Winner- Cougs Rock. I would like to respectfully apologize to Cougs Rock and drivers everywhere for not holding my circle.

Round 3: Bad Dancing

Round 3 Winner- Cougs Rock. In this instance, I am really glad that Cougs Rock tried to stop me from dancing before it was too late. I am very lucky I made it this far in the competition without getting shot. Since I live in LA, I am lucky I haven’t been shot in general but it’s good to know that revealing my Robyn-like dance moves could increase my chances.

Round 4: Gold Digging

Round 4 Winner- CarlyBird It looks like 5b30e80e-b23e-11-e-b2d3-000bcdca4d7a may have gotten confused at who he was calling a gold digger. Considering he is also going through an identity crises, it’s understandable.

TIE BREAKER: Our Children’s Survival

Tiebreaker Win- Cougs Rock (by forfeit) Unfortunately the only way to prove that me and Kent’s children would survive would be for me to have not gotten dumped. By default Cougs Rock takes the final win.

When It’s Over…That’s The Time I Fall In Love Again

Now that our relationship is over, I can’t help but relive some of the highlights from our relationship. Here are a few of my favorite memories

The Pick Up

When We First Met

First Public Display of Affection

Saying Goodbye

I am not sure how to officially end this, but I guess this is where me and Tuttle part ways. I would use the whole, “it’s not you it’s me,” line but I think it is pretty much implied at this point. Kent it was great while it lasted and I am really going to miss you and me on the internet.

What is Next?

I know I have built a big fan base since I joined the show (no I haven’t) but I regret to inform everyone that I will be dropping out. Unless… my coworker Vince is voted as the new Mormon Bachelor.

A little about Vince: Vince sits next to me at work and looks like Jack Black. He has no plans of ever becoming a dentist.

To Vote: CLICK HERE

We all deserve a second chance at love.

Slurry
, Life, Westside Wisdom

How to Fit in With a Colony of Vegetable Lovers

Rage Against The Green

I am walking down a street in Santa Monica when and a guy with long flowing hair and an accent runs up to me and asks, “Please, let me take you to dinner?” It was as if I had been transported into a Hilary Duff movie and I had no idea what to say. “I am sorry,” I reply “I am new here and don’t really trust anyone. I will give you my email?” He throws his head backwards as if I just have just slapped him in the face. (Dramatic? Yes, but in LA everyone is working on their acting career so it’s not out of the ordinary.) I can see the wheels in his brain turning. We both know he has 3 seconds to say something before I walk out of his life forever. As I turn to leave, he heroically shouts his last argument, “but you can trust me… I AM A VEGAN.” and that’s when I knew…(sigh)…we would never be together.

Attack of the Vegetables

What people forgot to tell me when I moved by the beach is that eating healthy is a real thing here. People actually believe in microwave-less cooking. They LOVE vegetables, farmer’s markets, and the word “fresh”. Every meal is calculated to perfection and people legitimately cook dinners that I have only seen on TV and assumed weren’t a realistic option for anyone less than Betty Crocker status. I have read plenty of blog posts about this lifestyle, but to see it so actively lived and promoted is a whole new story. I have to say I am impressed. In Provo we grab a Jamba Juice, jog around the block, and call it good. Here, eating well is a religion and running around the block would be considered a 5K.

The Alien in The Office

Flashback to my first week of work. I am innocently typing away when an unnamed coworker asks, “what is that?” He points to a red plastic cup on my desk with a Kit-Kat wrapper peaking out of the rim. “It’s candy?” I stammer. He picks up the cup, tips it over, and just like a snow globe an avalanche of empty fun-size wrappers come fluttering out. Time graciously froze so I could see my coworker’s wide-eyed reaction followed by “Gasp” #1. This was the first of many party fouls. I continued to shock this new health-centered community with my diet.

  • “Gasp” #2 Came when I revealed that I brought a ravioli TV dinner for lunch.
  • “Gasp” #3 when I suggested McDonalds for dinner
  • “Gasp” #4 When I inhaled a bag of M&M’s mid-conversation during a meeting.
  • “Gasp” #5 When I threw up in my mouth after my first taste of this…

Say hello to my arch nemesis, a shake made entirely out of plants called THE SLURRY.

The Slurry

Your turn to “gasp.”

Drink or Die

Sink or swim. I had been thrown into a colony of cabbage patch kids and if I wanted to fit in I was going to have to start drinking this thing.

Special Note to Green Monster Drinkers: This is not a green monster. A green monster has tons of fruit with a pinch of spinach to make it look green and seem unusually healthy but to taste like..Jamba Juice. The slurry is the opposite and could actually be considered fruit abuse. Even if it had a glimmer of hope called a pineapple, it would immediately sabotage it’s flavor with something that tasted like an onion.

This drink does NOT taste good and is a test to prove that you have what it takes to outlive everyone by 30 years. Here is the breakdown.

The Slurry Breakdown

A slurry can contain any combination of the following:

  • Beets
  • Celery
  • Asparagus
  • Spinach
  • Lemon
  • Ginger
  • Bok choy
  • Carrots
  • Green Leaf Lettuce
  • Pineapple (the poor thing)
  • Zucchini
  • Lime

It is then put into one of THESE and regurgitated for your drinking pleasure.

Side Effects From Drinking This Concoction of Earth.

After a burst of morning energy you will realize that the cheap Asian salad aftertaste in your mouth is not going anywhere. However, this drink is said to have vitamins A through Z and is actually really good for you. It can also keep you from getting sick and will help you gain or lose weight depending on what you want.

Beet Me Senseless

After 4 mornings of painstakingly trying to take more than two sips of the slurry, I had lost all hope. Was I ever going to be able to fit in? In this land of Trader Joe’s and granola is there a place for someone who lives for double-stuff Oreos? Head on my desk, my coworkers appeared with a peace offering. “We know how much you love chocolate so we made a slurry just for you.” Tears welled up in my eyes as they explained that they had blended all my favorite candy bars into a cup of hot chocolate.

The Chocolate Slurry

The Choco Slurry Breakdown

The chocolate slurry contains all of the following, but is not limited to these candy bars. In fact this drink is limitless, there are endless amazing combinations:

  • A Bag of M&Ms
  • Two Mr. Goodbars
  • Hershey’s Milk Chocolate
  • Hershey’s Dark Chocolate
  • Kit Kats
  • Chocolate Chip Granola Bar
  • Hot Chocolate- Extra Chocolate

Side Effects From Drinking ALL Your Favorite Candy Bars at Once

After a three-hour burst of energy from the high levels of caffeine you will crash. Completely pass out to the point of drooling only to be woken up by a tornado in your stomach. Worth it? Totally.

Note: make sure you have a solid tooth brush before drinking. 30 minutes of brushing will barely make a dent on the layers of sugar that will cement onto your teeth.

Why Can’t We Be Friends?

What I have learned from hanging with these Wild Oats is that people who love sugar and people who love salad can peacefully co-exist. There is room for both. Your tasting palette doesn’t define who you are, but your willingness to branch out and try something new does. Enjoy the recipes above: one will speed up your death the other will just taste like it.

I am interested to know what people drink or have been forced to drink to keep their bodies from deteriorating, if you have comments or recipes leave them below! Especially if it is a game-changer for your health and somehow doesn’t taste like it.