True Love Spin
, Ideas

Say Hello To The True Love Spin

When I am in an elevator alone, I walk in circles really fast.

I have no idea when I started doing it or why, but it happens almost every morning. I walk into the elevator, step inside, and keep walking in circles until it stops. Then I walk out as if nothing weird ever happened, as if there isn’t a guy watching the footage on a camera somewhere, and as if I didn’t just speed walk my way around a box like it was a competition in the summer Olympics. (Put that on my list of sports: dodgeball, rope swinging, and elevator rotations. How do you like me now you sporty men?)

Anyway, I don’t think I am the only one.

Someone once told me that our thinking processes can get stuck spinning in circles. It’s common (I just trace mine with my feet.) We tend to overlap the same ideas in our heads until they create ruts inside of our brains that are hard to get out of and hard to stop. Over time these fears, doubts, and mistaken beliefs keep us from doing anything outside of our comfort zone. In other words: We overthink to the point of not needing to think because the rut keeps us revolving in the same limited patterns.

We guess, assume, mind-read, and avoid based off of past experience and future predictions that we might get hurt.

Until. The True Love Spin.

Julie Andrews

Introduced during the 1950’s and 1960’s by Gene Kelly and Julie Andrews, the true love spin was developed to show that when it comes to showing how you really feel, you should throw your body and caution to the wind. The spin also adds momentum to the euphoric feeling of falling in love, whether that be with a guy, a girl, the rain, or being an Austrian nun.

Carry Grant

How to Spin

This tutorial is as simple as it gets:

  1. Spin counter-clockwise of your monotonous thinking process.
  2. Focus your eyes on the sky instead of the floor.
  3. Relax your neck
  4. Let your hair loose

When you feel small explosions of happiness going off in your body, you will know that you are doing it correctly.

The trend has surprisingly taken form, but gone unnoticed in pop-culture and animated .gifs for a long time. Here are my top 10 True Love Spins and why you should try them.

1. The Conservative True Love Spin

This is a great starter spin. It gives you just enough momentum to feel good about your day or good about the new intern who is attractive.

Conservative True Love Spin

2. The Tandum True Love Spin

For couples looking to spice things up.

Couples Spin

3. New Dress True Love Spin

For when you are sporting new threads for a date. For best results, make sure to have a roommate enthusiastically clap while you do it.

New Dress Spin

Important Cautionary Note: Me and my roommates used to introduce a guy to his date by having the girl do a spin while we sang KC & JoJo on a Karaoke machine in our living room. I wouldn’t recommend this. There were at least two breakups during that time period that we attributed to introducing the new dress spin too prematurely in a relationship.

4. Whip Mah Hair Spin

Close your eyes and take a deep breath through you nose while letting the wind whip your hair. This spin works best in mountainous settings and in clubs.

Whip My Hair Spin

5. True Love Flip

Ariel one-upped all the Disney princesses when she proved she would do a flip for true love, sell her vocal chords, and sport a sheet if it meant meeting prince charming. It’s a given, but this spin could come off as desperate.

True Love Flip

6. Call Your Girlfriend We Belong Together True Love Spin

Accomplished with high speeds while moving towards a specific destination, this determined spin tells guys, “We belong together, call your girlfriend and break up with her.” It’s a niche spin for a very niche circumstance.

7. True Love Spin with Eye Contact

This true love spin is best served in front of your significant other. By maintaining eye contact throughout the entire spin you ensure that nothing will come between your love. Not even a light shower of rose petals.

Eye Contact Spin

8. The Colbchella True Love Spin

Skip to 4:15 for a flawless spin for business professionals.

9. Tandem Roller Skate True Love Spin

I can only assume that these are the only two people in the world that can do this. And that we will never be able to experience true love in this euphoric of a moment on roller skates.

Roller Skate Spin

10. Double True Love Spin

For times when one spin isn’t enough.

Double Spin

This seems like a dumb post any blog with more than 5 animated .gifs does. But I sometimes wonder where that feeling went that used to pump our blood, that kept us up at 3 am looking for something that we had to have and couldn’t live without. Something that even in the smallest dose, would have us waking up feeling like Beyonce, dancing barefoot out of our covers, and into the living room in our underwear.

Maybe the true love spin is a dumb tradition advocated by absurdly wide-eyed Disney princesses.

Or maybe it’s exactly what you need to counteract ruts in your head built by fear in its most monotonous repetitive forms.

Whatever it is. It’s worth a shot. It’s just a spin.

John Liu True Love Spin
True Love Spin featuring John Liu, the greatest .gif-t of all

Speaking of True Love…

I was recently asked by some good friends to help advertise one of San Francisco’s finest bachelors. If you are looking for smart, funny, and incredibly successful spin your mouse on this eye candy: Meet Scotty Clawson.

Scotty Clawson

Image Credits- Julie Andrews: Favim, Carry Grant: GifSoup.com, Conservative Spin: Tumblr, Tandem Spin: Perez Hilton, New Dress Spin: Tumblr, Whip My Hair Spin: Fan Pop, True Love Flip: Sky Rock, Call Your Girlfriend Spin: Tumblr, Eye Contact Spin: ABC.com, Roller Skate Spin: Blogfiles, Double Spin: Starcasm.

Blitizen Kane
Music, Office

BLITiZen Kane: The 2nd Best Ad Agency Cover Band with ‘No Shame’ The Greatest Gift of All

Have you ever met a group of people and instantly known that you were meant to be in a zombie-inspired rock band together? I don’t know how to explain why once a year my agency channels all of its energy into costume makeup and hit-list mashups in an effort to become the #1 voted ad agency cover band in Los Angeles by drunken applause, but whatever the reason, it is probably the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I was like Sandra Dee in Grease before my coworkers threw me into a sequin dress, ratted my hair, and made me conservatively hip-thrust to Thriller in front of Macklemore. Look how far we have come.

Blitizen Kane Carly Walker

For those who don’t know, AdJam is Battle of the Bands with LA’s finest advertising agencies governed by three judges and an audience of over 1,000 people. Last year, we didn’t win on a technicality that our band had to play first. This year, AdJam is having people vote for the band line up based on music video submissions. I don’t ask for much (besides letting me throw up an absurd amount of Amazon affiliate links on my posts so I can fund my personal blog), but I would love it if you could vote for BLITiZen Kane this week to get us the ‘sweet spot’ at AdJam coming soon to a House of Blues near you. See our video submission below and click here to vote.

Props goes to the classy Jack Schlinkert for this video and copywriting as well as Ken Martin for changing the lyrics of ‘We are the World’ to something much more heartwarming for advertising professionals.

VOTE HERE

Blitizen Kane Eric Chevalier

How to Leave Utah
Life, Popular Posts

How to Leave Utah

It’s been a little over a year since I moved from Utah to Los Angeles. I haven’t run into any celebrities besides Mario Lopez and parts of my car have not been stolen, so I am still considered a transplant. However, the header image of this post is not me looking sexy in a Dodger’s hat which pushes me higher on the LA local scale. (Having Jerry Sloan and Jef Holm on the header image pushes me back down to transplant, but lets pretend I have enough authority to write this post.) Since I left the mother ship, I have repeatedly been asked two questions from friends back home. 1) “When are you coming back?” 2) “What is it like to leave?”

To the former, when Utah stops doing this:

To the latter, this post is for you.

This past year has been a game changer. Enough to break my 3-month blogging sabbatical to tell my friends who are standing at the edge of an overcrowded pool in Provo somewhere… to jump ship. Also, to abandon LIME RICKI SWIMWEAR (<-link surprise). Here we go. A beginners guide to leaving Utah.

1. If You Leave, Don’t Look Back.

Not to get OMD. But really. The more you miss Provo, the worse your move will be. You can’t move forward if you are always looking back, so step one is to exhaust every ounce of your Provo being before you leave. Stock up on J Dawgs, hit up the Raintree pool, and date like it’s the 4th of July on University Avenue. When you start getting bored of history repeating itself, dance parties with Cotton Eye Joe, and mini golf, you will know- It’s time. It is time.

2. Don’t Panic When You Realize There Is No One to Date

I loved the things people used to tell me as I was getting in my car to leave the Mormon dating capital of the world. “It only takes one.” or “There are too many guys in Provo to choose from, dating will be so much easier in a smaller pool.” NOOO not true. It’s the worst. Ha ha.

Your options will never be as plentiful as Provo. And dating will never be as easy. Since people in Provo like to talk about dating like ice cream flavors, I made you a visual.

It doesn’t look good. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t move.

One year later, I don’t have a husband or kids, but it doesn’t mean I am single, alone, or family-less. I am a committed partner to coworkers, I am a mom to friends who never had anyone to tell them to stop smoking weed, I am a sister to my close girlfriends, and I am a daughter to two bosses, a Bishop, and a Baptist Pastor.

Relationships I have built with strangers in an overwhelming city have been stronger than any relationship I built playing arcade games at Nickelcade with dates in Provo. And surprisingly, I am more happy. Relationships in and of themselves, are about learning to love someone else to the point where you couldn’t live without them. That doesn’t stop when you move. You actually learn how to do it better.

Also, you start to realize quickly that the people you want to date are the ones who have expanded their horizons. They are few and far between, but quality over quantity? That brown ice cream cone could be moose tracks.

3. Stop Acting Like You Are Still in Utah

When I first moved, I hated it. But it’s because I acted like I was living in Utah, when I clearly was not. I only hung out with friends from college, I only went to Provo-extended parties, I tried to plan 4 different events into one night regardless of the fact that LA has an insane problem with traffic, and I chose to eat at chain restaurants because they were cheap and familiar. I should be punished for single-handedly keeping Applebees in business.

One day I realized I was depriving myself of the only real experience I have ever had outside of Utah. I decided to do the opposite of what I normally would do and the tables turned. I fell in love with real Los Angeles food (it’s an art). I started hanging out with coworkers outside of work who became my best friends. I learned my neighbor’s viewpoint on alien abductions and looked up “must see” places around the city. I adapted to the culture and quickly became obsessed with the abnormal quirks of the strangest city I will ever live in.

4. Figure Out Who You Are When All Of Your 1,000 Best Friends Are Not Around

Freak. You don’t have to wear make up or shower when you leave Provo. Nobody will know you. I would rank this as my #1 reason to get out. There is a sense of freedom that comes with being able to do things on your own without worrying what people will think. These things include but are not limited to:

  • Going to a movie by yourself
  • Eating Taco Bell in bed
  • Experimenting with leopard prints and high-wasted jeans
  • Talking to strangers at dinner about alligator wrestling techniques
  • Figuring out if you love Quinoa or if you think it tastes like rubber

I have learned more about myself this year than any other cumulative year in my entire life. This includes turning 14 and getting the puberty talk (Men reading this just shut their laptops).

5. Adopt Brad Pitt as a Godfather

As Brad Pitt said with his baby blues in World War Z, “Movement is Life.” If you move, you have a better chance at surviving a zombie apocolypse, but more importantly, you have a better chance of surviving a fate that I believe to be much worse…staying the same. A year from now, after you have left, when you think of all the tears, confusion, and the nights you were homesick for Sunday night dessert parties, you will look in the mirror and see someone that accomplished something hard and you will like yourself much better for doing it. Growth is a beautiful thing and as George Zimmer would say:


Stand Up Desks
Life, Popular Posts

Say No to Stand Up Desks

I currently sit in the armpit of Eric Chevalier. This is thanks to a free-thinker who thought they were benefiting society by shopping at Whole Foods and developing the stand up desk with abandoned Ikea furniture.

Our office recently gave everyone the option to get a stand up desk or to continue using chairs. This put me and my desk neighbor Eric in an awkward position, but mostly it put me at eye level with any object that rolls across the edge of his desk and into my forehead. As a result, over the last three months I have documented my coworkers with stand up desks to reveal the truth about taking a stand. Here are some of disadvantages I have noticed: (Note – All of the photos below were taken unknowingly over the course of three months. Dedication.)

1. Set Up

Building a piece of furniture from Ikea is about as stressful as taking the ACT. Except with the ACT you are guaranteed that the critical thinking nightmare won’t be longer than 4 hours. So unless you have an intern who will build the desk for you and measure your eye levels to guarantee optimal posture, stop. (So basically unless you have Spencer, which you don’t because we have him.)

2. Sidlers

Seinfeld introduced the “sideler” during its 162nd episode. A sideler is anyone who sneaks up behind you without you knowing. Refer to the pirated video below:

Because you are always standing, you are always in a vulnerable position for sidlers walking by. However, it could be argued that a professional sideler can commit to meeting various eye levels.

3. Full exposure to your feet.

Unless you have presentable shoes that also meet the comfort level needed to stand all day, stand up desks are not a good option for you. Vibram FiveFingers are also not a good option for you.

4. Nobody wants to stand all day.

This becomes a problem when you have a standing desk. As a result, I have seen all sorts of strange solutions to avoid the discomfort.

Standing on an inflateable.

Denial that you have a stand up desk.

Denial that you are at work.

Benefits?

So far, I have only seen one benefit to the stand up desk discovered by Ellen Lu. And that is, there is more space to hang photos of good looking men. Slow clap goes out to Ellen for making lemonade out of lemons, and a beautiful montage out of a somewhat disfunctional color printer.

What’s Next

Although some of you may continue to deny that your stand up desk is killing your feet and that you schedule meetings for no reason other than to sit in a chair, others might be interested in more comfortable alternatives. Here are some new up and coming trends I have seen in the office:

Arms elevated.

Feet elevated

Legs perpendicular

Laying down

Cardboard

Something to Sit On

What are your thoughts about standing desks? Ikea no Ikea? Maybe an upgrade to this sit-stand contraption? Or even better this desk that looks like it could be transformed into a segway? Or literally going the ‘extra mile’ with a treadmill addition? This trial with a unicycle addition didn’t go so well, but I’m open for comments and suggestions.


Google

Daniel Rossi Beach Interviews
Life, Los Angeles

On The Street Interviews with Daniel Rossi

Hello Venice Beach

I wish I had an explanation for this. I dont. Have you ever met someone for the first time and realized you were meant to do sub-par street interviews together?

At the time this seemed like a good idea. And since this was in fact the first time me and Daniel Rossi ever met in person, it didn’t seem weird at all to also film each other singing Taylor Swift with bongo drummers, street vendors, and some poster children for marijuana (see below). Regardless of how it happened or how awkward you will feel watching both these videos, let’s all be thankful that it did. Bless you Venice beach for putting your hearts into pop country, roller skating, and extensive basketball tutorials.

A special thanks to all the friends we made that day including but not limited to: Nunu, J-Swift (Check out his rap/tutorials on Black History at TupacRadio.com or follow him on Twitter), Jef Holm, Oliver from Austria, and Russ shooting the totes.

Taylor Swift from the Voice of Venice Beach

The Hulk vs. The Ex Girlfriend
, Life

The Hulk vs. The Ex Girlfriend

I wish I could say the picture above isn’t me kicking an ex-boyfriends black Audi in Ugg boots (more sorry about the Ugg boots.) I wish I could say that I never left 4-part voicemails, threw library books, or was straight up close-lined by a set of monkey bars while walking away from a break up. If someone asked, I would deny choking down tubs of ice cream while listening to Taylor Swift. I would also deny that my roommates ever had to play red rover with my Jeep to stop me from driving (in surgical boots) through a snow storm to win someone back. Enter image of surgical boots:

Although all these college stories are mortifying, I learned a lot over those years that may help women who are slowly transforming into hot messes as we speak. At the cost of my pride (as if I had any after showcasing a photo post bunion surgery), I am willing to admit what few women will. My name is Carly. I am 25-years-old. And I am an incredible ex-girlfriend.

Monstor Mash

In May 1962 Marvel comics introduced one of the greatest antiheroes of all time: The Hulk. Wikipedia describes him as mutated humanoid monster with an inability to control his rage.

He is also described as an emotional, impulsive alter ego of a withdrawn and reserved physicist. This makes him the comic book character most relateable to—-

Women and/or EX’s (I won’t be exclusive with this post. Looping in passionate males).

At this point you may be wondering… Why am I drawing a comparison between the hulk and emotionally unstable Taylor Swifts? Because Nerds in a basement somewhere were passive aggressively trying to help those struggling with separation anxiety via sharpie markers and this tiny gem of information:

Dr. Banner was able to find a way to control an overwhelming alterego by avoiding emotional triggers. These triggers were anything that caused: anger, terror, or grief.

To continue the service of Marvel, and to put my years of research to good use, I will be spelling out triggers to avoid. This is specific to anyone trying to get over a breakup in a way that limits their need for damage control later on.

Trigger 1: Social Media

Immediately delete the individual on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, etc. etc. In extreme cases (ie: “the love of your life” or “the one who got away”) unfollow any of their close friends and family temporarily. It’s the same idea as trying to avoid finding out the ending of Downton Abbey before you get to watch it. Shield your eyes and unfollow anyone who is known for being a buzz kill when it comes to epic moments in historic dramas.

Over time you can win these privileges back, but for the immediate time being watching someone live while you are dying is never a good idea. If you give a mouse a cookie, he will want milk. If you give an emotionally unstable girl her ex-boyfriends profile on Facebook, she will will want to read every comment from other girls and question their friends in common for details. It’s like a slow motion train wreck. I have seen entire breakdowns over scenarios made up from reading one 140 character tweet.

Trigger 2: Saying Sorry

A street performer in LA (surprisingly very credible life mentors) once told me, “Don’t be sorry. A sorry person is a sad person.” I believe it. If you did something wrong, say it once. Make it epic. Chase him down in the rain, show up on his doorstep, get edgy and vandalize a freeway overpass by poking millions of plastic red cups through a chain link fence to spell out the word “SORRY.” Make sure he knows you mean it. After that move on.

You accept the love you think you deserve and by repeatedly apologizing you create an idea that you don’t deserve forgiveness or much of anything. Over time this will do damage to your self-esteem and change you into a person you don’t recognize.

Trigger 3: Staying Friends

By far the worst part of breaking up is losing a best friend. And not like a Homeward Bound lost my best friend in the wilderness kind of way. More like a Men in Black my best friend was possessed by an alien type of way.

You may be experiencing hulk tendancies, but the breakup-ee goes through major metamorphic changes as well. But to be honest, it doesn’t matter what strange things he/she is doing to compensate for what happened. What matters is that their relationship to you has changed. They may look the same, they may even act the same around you at different times, but they are not the same person that they were with you before they decided to call it quits. Nor can they go back to that point.

But why can’t you still be friends?

You can. I am not saying you can’t. I am friends with two of my ex’s and we often laugh about the times we ripped each other’s hearts out over brunch. But it takes time. And if you don’t give it enough time, you will find yourself having to repeatedly start all over in the recovery process. I once had a former boyfriend ask me “how long till we can be friends?” Unfortunately, there is not a timeline. For some people it’s two weeks I have seen other’s still recovering three years later. Here is a way to gauge “How long.”

It hasn’t been long enough if:

  • You are having to “work on your relationship.” (You are not in a relationship. You are friends. A good friendship requires little to no effort.)
  • You can’t talk about each other’s love lives.
  • If they are inconsistent with how they treat you.
  • You are frustrated more often than you are laughing after hanging out and are distracted when they don’t text you back.
  • You pretend you are dating other guys, but would fail a pop quiz about the names and occupations of all the people you recently went on dates with.

It has been long enough if:

  • You have dated multiple people since.
  • If they asked you if you wanted to get dinner you would go unshowered and suggest taco bell.
  • Can laugh about how much you hated or still hate each other.
  • Only think about them when you are with them.
  • Think more about your good times together than your bad.
  • Could go to their wedding and hug their other half with the right amount of pressure.

I Gotta Go My Own Way

I hate telling people what they can’t do without telling them what they can. In closing, here are things you can do that are not triggers that do help.

  • Sleep. There is a reason people tell you to “sleep on it.” Bad decisions involving Damien Rice lyrics as your Facebook status, were never made with a good amount of ZZZZ’s. If you can’t sleep exercise until you can. I recommend Richard Simmons work out tapes for obvious reasons.
  • Hang out with people who are funny.
  • Help someone else out. My Dad once told me “If it is too hard to be in your world, put yourself in someone else’s.” Distract yourself by doing good for someone else.
  • Surround yourself with men who treat you well and say nice things about you. Even if it’s  just your nephew. And you paid him in M&M’s.
  • Stop focusing on what you don’t have and look at what you do. They make movies like Win a Date with Tad Hamilton for a reason. There is almost ALWAYS a guy best friend who has been there all along. Turn around and kiss. his. mouth.
  • Start over: Get a haircut, buy converse high-tops, rearrange your room, put up poster’s of strong female roles (Stevie Nicks, Carley Simon, Robyn, etc.), and channel your energy to start a new life or start dancing like this:

So there you have it. The best tips I can give when it comes to going your own way.

If you need a support team, you know where to find me and Vanessa.

Jingle_Sway
Music

Yell-Along Christmas Tutorial: Jingle Bells (Jingle All The Sway)

How to Make Your Holiday Heart/Lungs Burst

  • Step 1: Meet my nephew Sam and his neon green jacket.
  • Step 2: Treat him to a day of Chuck E. Cheese and candy dispensers.
  • Step 3: When his sugar intake reaches the highest level possible, yell-along with his cover of “Jingle Bells (Jingle All The Sway.)

Happy Holidays from our lungs to yours. I couldn’t imagine a better one spending it with my family.

.

Fluffer Nutter Sandwich
Food, Life

Meet the Fluffer Nutter

The first time I realized my coworker was an extreme foodie was when he spent 10 minutes breaking down the elements of what makes a good popsicle. Turns out that if you want to know everything there is to know about the ideal frozen sugar-free fruit freeze, there is a foodie for that. His name is John Liu. And he graduated when he was 15. Meaning he learned how describe his upper-class palette with words like texture, umami, and froth at the same age that I was inhaling frosty covered chicken nuggets.

Since, it is not healthy to let him keep pacing by my desk and thrusting his forehead into his palms out of frustration of my eating habits, I agreed to do a food challenge. And in honor of the greatest tumblr of all time selleckwaterfallsandwich.tumblr.com, I will be illustrating the entire post incorporating Tom Selleck, waterfalls, and this weeks feature: the Fluffer Nutter sandwich. Without further adieu meet John Liu

The Foodie – John Liu

My favorite CarlyBird.com blog post is How To Fit in With a Colony of Vegetable Lovers. This post has everything – great cover image, hilarious anecdote, and then… a list of “Gasps” that I happened to be a part of.

I gasped when Carly brought her tv dinner for lunch, and again when she was so enthusiastic for McDonald’s. Not because I’m a healthy eating nut, but because I’m a foodie. I love good food – it’s really important to me that to make as many meals as possible a great experience.

The Tragedy

Meals are opportunities to delight your senses – and you only get so many of them. You’re only really in charge of your own food after you’re an adult with a stable income, and there’s always going to be times you’re just too busy or too broke. So, in reality, you only get to control what you eat for about 15,000 meals in your lifetime. To some people, that’s a lot. To me, that’s a depressing limit.

Coming from this mindset, it’s shocking to me how many people (like Carly) just throw away their opportunities to have a delicious meal, settling for something bland or generic.

The Challenge

So, we bring you the Carly Bird Food Challenge. I’m going to challenge Carly to eat a variety of different things. Some of them I expect her to like, for others “hopeful” would be a better word.

Episode 1: The Fluffernutter Sandwich

For the first week, I figured we’d start off with something easy that we could make in Carly’s kitchen that she’s almost guaranteed to like. I picked a regional specialty from where I grew up in Southern New England – the Fluf fernutter Sandwich.

Marshmallow Fluff, also known as marshmallow creme, is a sweet, spreadable marshmallow-like confection – more or less spreadable sugar. It was popularized in Somerville, MA – a small suburb of Boston – and has become a regional tradition, right up there with clam chowder, lobstah rolls, and the New York System.

and the city of Somerville responded by starting an annual Fluff festival.

Fluff is most popularly eaten as part of a Fluffernutter Sandwich – a sandwich of white bread, fluff, and peanut butter. It’s like a PB&J, except with Fluff. Sweeter, chewier, and still (kind of) delicious. These sandwiches are actually a little too sweet for my palate, but I figured it’d be a great fit for the recipient of the Choco Slurry.

The Review- Carly Bird

I don’t know how to do a food review other than saying I endorse this sandwich. It’s super easy to make and packed with sugar. The marshmellow fluff had the perfect amount of froth to make this creamy textured sandwich delish. I would give this selection a 10.

Help John Liu help me by listing any food ideas for next time below or just comment with your feelings about Tom Selleck and the Fluffer Nutter.

Ryan Gosling
Ideas

People Who Don’t Read My Blog: Ryan Gosling

People Magazine Punishes Ryan Gosling for Not Reading Carly Bird

It was announced this morning that Ryan Gosling was once again snubbed by People Magazine as Sexiest Man Alive. The only explanation for People Magazine not giving the award to these abs:

This face

And the guy who engrained this romance into all women’s brains to torture them and leave them unsatisfiable through the rest of eternity.

Is that A) People magazine is jealous that it’s flimsy pages will never be as rock solid as his body or B) They still haven’t gotten over that Ryan Gosling didn’t respond to my tweet 3 months ago asking Ryan if he reads CarlyBird.com.

Let’s be honest with each other, both reasons are undoubtadly terrible (keep in mind I own this blog) and do not justify the injustice they caused when they refused a man that does not get refused.

GOSLING VOTED SEXIEST MAN ALIVE BY CARLYBIRD.COM

In light of what happened. This blog has officially voted Ryan Gosling as the Sexiest Man Alive. The 25 people a day who read this site have agreed that in fact it would be a failure to all womenkind to not jump on board #teamryan at this time.

Comment below if you need to vent or would like to jump on the #teamryan hashtag. If you are currently still on #teamjef from the bachelor ABANDON SHIP. You should never have jumped on board.

Parlor Hawk
Music

Support Your Local Parlor Hawk [Infographic]

I met Jay Tibbitts at Freshmen orientation 2005 in Rexburg, Idaho. He was so hot I couldn’t help myself. Or at least that’s what I got from this poorly narrated video documenting one of our first conversations.

Back then, Jay was part of a college gang called the Turtles who was in rival with a gang I rolled with (literally) called the Scoots (we rode razor scooters to school.) Surprisingly, our relationship survived this My Little Ponies version of Romeo and Juliet and 7 years, 2 ankle touches, a game of footsie, and 1/2 a back rub later we are still friends with benefits.

As much as I wish I could say this post is about me and Jay Tibbitts, it is actually about another gang/band he joined 4 years later called Parlor Hawk and their Kickstarter for their second album.

Band Promotion?!?!

Yes, I sucked you in with a flaxen cord and a hint of a chick flick only to lure you into buying a t-shirt, album, and VIP backstage passes for life from a band in Provo, UT. But it’s in your best interest so hear me out.

You may be the type of hipster that needs no explanation and has a collection of music T’s documenting your loyalty to all bands raging against the record label machine. If so, props. Party on with that Burt Reynolds mustache. But there are other reasons you should support ridiculously good looking musicians and this is where I come in.

3 Reasons You Should Donate to the Parlor Hawk Kickstarter

1. Pay It Forward

I made a graph to show you how helping someone else follow their dream may in turn help you follow your own. Here is my ROI (Return on Investment) from being a dedicated PH band fan for the last 4 years.

Ironic, but Carly Bird came from a Parlor Hawk. If you are as emotional as me after taking this journey you can get a book of more Parlor Hawk memories by clicking here.

2. Romance

I use this term loosely because I haven’t in fact ever kissed a member of Parlor Hawk and because most the members are married to babes. However, this doesn’t mean you can’t find romance listening to their album you pre-ordered here on a velvet green couch backstage at Velour only accessible by buying the VIP access for life package found here.

It also doesn’t mean you can’t take advantage of the private “drum lessons” with Jay offered here.

3. American Apparel T-shirts

I can’t tell you number of times a guy has complimented my Parlor Hawk T-shirt, said “I wish I had one it looks comfortable,” and then had an immediate desire to give me a back rub. If you are wearing silk, denim, or any fabric from Forever 21, consider your chances of a good cuddle session severely low in comparison to these gems.

Also, my good friend Kristopher Orr frequently Instagrams his T-shirt and has found that it get’s him more double-tap likes and women than any other photographed item of clothing.

Closing Statement

I could go on and on about reasons why you should stop getting frustrated with the Parlor Hawk ads running up your Facebook feed and start clicking on them (especially ones like these that are hilarious), but I would rather just sum it up with this.

Give some love/money to my friend Jay Tibbitts and his band because they sing great music, seduce great women, and would help you reach your dreams the same way you are helping them if they ever had the chance.

Support your local Parlor Hawk. Donate to their Kickstarter here.