I can’t name the number of times a woman has said to me, “I love him. Even though he wears cargo shorts and tennis shoes, I love him.”
I would like to make a bold statement.
Women. Women everywhere. I don’t believe you love him despite the cargo shorts, I believe you love him BECAUSE of the cargo shorts.
I said it. I am not taking it back.
Lets start from the beginning.
Why Cargo Shorts Were Taken Away
Thanks to an anonymous tip (ahem Russell) I don’t believe cargo shorts were taken away because of style issues. I believe they were taken off the “chic” list out of spite. Women designers were offended that men didn’t think girls looked sexy in the rompers they painstakingly tried to make popular. Yes. Because their terrible invention was banished to Forever 21 for not looking good on the majority of women, they retaliated by taking the most useful item of clothing men have and made them… shameful.
I am sorry. I am fighting back.
Three Reasons To Become an Advocate for Cargo Shorts
Reason 1: Storage Space
Let’s start with the obvious. The pockets on these shorts could fit an entire purse in them if need be, giving you the freedom to frolic through concerts, clubs, and rodeos (yes, looping in cowboys) without worrying about your wallet, iPhone, lipstick, etc. In summary, cargo shorts: no storage issues. Guy that is wearing the same pants as you: storage issues.
How many Eagle Scouts do you know that don’t own a pair of cargo shorts? How many wilderness-obsessed men have you met that have never experimented with the double or triple zip-off pant?
If there were a zombie apocalypse which one of these guys would you team up with to survive? Take some time out of your day to answer these questions for yourself.
Reason 3: Rage Against the Machine
If you are the type of woman that is attracted to rebels (every woman, so I am speaking to every woman right now.) You should realize that wearing a pair of cargo shorts with Nikes and socks is a bold statement. It’s a guy saying, “I am not like you and I don’t care if Vogue is throwing a fit right now.” It’s a guy that is actually rebelling against the majority unlike the hipster on your doorstep who begs to be unique by manipulating his facial hair but could literally cut himself out of an Urban Outfitters catalog.
To help you all appreciate men in cargo shorts I created a board of men in cargo shorts on Pinterest. Click here to solidify any remaining doubts you may have about this legendary menswear item.
Have a Strong Opinion About Cargo Shorts?
Comment below if you agree, disagree, or hate this blog. Also, if I have done my worst and you need a pair right now, click here.
The idea of hope is hard to swallow. Especially when it rests on another person’s shoulders.
It goes along with the cliche phrase “don’t get your hopes up,” and the idea that high expectations in others can only lead to great falls. It’s a skewed mindset, but it is easy to cave into. Unless you saw the idea of hope from a different frame of reference.
Enter City of Hope
Two months ago, I had the chance to take a tour of City of Hope. It’s an incredible cancer comprehensive center in Duarte, California that believes in not only healing the body, but the soul as well. One of the most interesting things about COH is that their hospital was purposely built across from the research center. Every day cancer patients sit in front of windows overlooking a courtyard and a building where scientists spend hours on end trying to find a cure. And every day researchers look across the same lawn to see the faces of the people who believe they can do it.
Hope is the fuel behind the patient’s drive to survive and the researcher’s drive to keep trying. It’s a high hope that chooses to believe more in another person than on possible outcomes or falls. It’s a high hope that in my opinion can become a game changer.
Enter This Video
Recently the agency I work for and COH teamed up to produce this film to raise awareness about the bone marrow registry. In the process we were smitten by the story and by Gavin.
This video is proof of how much we need each other and it’s proof that as my coworker put it life is “pretty damn precious.”
A month after this video’s first preview, I got in my car. I drove a couple hours away from my pride to fix a friendship that means the world to me. As I stood at the top of a windy ledge overlooking a lamp-lit city, I breathed for the first time, laughed with someone I hadn’t let myself laugh with in a long long time, and realized every day should be like this. I am snot-nosed. I am lucky. And life is too sweet to waste on anything less worthy than loving someone else. Regardless of what may come.
Two Things:
Help make more stories like Gavin’s possible by clicking here.
Let yourself love and care about the people you are blessed enough to have standing by your side.
The STOP-IT office memo came at 4:55 today during a rainstorm of keyboard “click-clicks” and space bar “slams.” The chorus of computer taps could have easily been caused by a group of office junkies frantically putting together reports, but the memo knew better. So did Google. Google knew exactly what it was doing when it created the greatest threat to office productivity of all time: THE OLYMPIC GOOGLE DOODLE.
Today’s was hurdles. Tomorrow’s is basketball. We don’t stand a chance. None of us do. When you take an average joe chained to a desk and give them a chance to become an Olympic hero in the click of a button, what do you think is going to happen? It can take months of work, even years for some people to get recognition at the typical office job. Google offers you a medal an OLYMPIC GOLD MEDAL in less than 10 seconds for hitting a space bar super fast. Which do you think is going to win?
Time will be wasted. Jobs will be lost. And Google is laughing somewhere as it designs more Olympic Google Doodles that will sucker us all into thinking we have a shot at beating the guy in IT who treats street fighter as a second job.
Since there is nothing we can do about it, here are best practices for Google Doodling
1. Stay calm
When you get the g-chat from your co-worker that there is an Olympic Google Doodle act like you could care less. Keep your cool and try to pretend that you aren’t concerned about the cartoon athlete’s long torso and short legs. Miraculously enough, his body structure does not affect his performance doing hurdles.
2. Try not to click in patterns
While you are competing in the Olympic games try to click extra keys to throw everyone off.
3. Resist the urge to yell. Also, take screen shots.
When you reach victory (the best score in your office) don’t yell or attract attention. Take a screen shot so no one can question you and let your victory dance out with emoticons slapped all over an email chain.
4. Keep an open mind
The best tricks may come from other co-workers. Don’t let your pride keep you from trying the double-tap technique or the space bar instead of the ^ key. You can cut a couple seconds off your score (and company time) by learning from those around you.
Trick: one of the key findings we discovered today is that left-handed players can gain an advantage by turning their keyboard upside down. Adapt and conquer.
5. Don’t Sweat
Dead giveaway
6. Get it out of your system during your lunch break
After 5 minutes, if you suddenly find yourself on a downward spiral toward addiction, take your lunch break early. Use that time to secure a high score that will keep you from questioning your self-worth the rest of the day.
Best of luck to you all. May Google have mercy. Comment below with your best tricks and score. Obviously.
Tweet Cred
Currently trying to build up my tweet cred. If you feel like doing a good deed follow me at @Carly_Bird. One lucky follower will be chosen on Aug. 15th out of a drawing to win a gift certificate to POLLO LOCO.
I am walking down the street with a grocery bag full of tacos when he stops me. “Excuse me, I just wanted to say I thought you had great style.” I stop and do a double take. His eyes get wide as he realizes why. Bless America because I am wearing this T-shirt….
He is nice enough to keep pretending,”Yeah you have total California girl style.” I smile as I try to count in my head how many women in LA I have seen with Myrtle Beach South Carolina written across their chest (or just the number of women in LA who have something covering their chests in general.) I pretend not to be mortified. He chokes and hides his rows of perfect teeth. END SCENE.
We can take two things from this experience: A) Mexican food is never a bad choice and it is more likely that this man was smitten by the smell of corn tortillas then he was my youth large t-shirt B) Despite the head-tilted puppies on this 100% cotton…I passed as a girl with LA style and have moved up to level 2 of amateur blogging to become: A FASHION BLOGGER.
Come on Vogue
As seen in the photo above, I am lucky enough to have coworkers that gave some great training and feedback on how to approach my first outfit post as a fashion blogger. If you are wondering how exciting the photo shoot was, here is VIP backstage access: VIP BACKSTAGE ACCESS.
In the 4 minutes of company time wasted to take pictures, here is what we came up with. I created a collage out of the photos to illustrate that I may or may not be the next Twiggy and a shoe-in to be published on either Vogue or the WFCP (Women’s Fashion Category Page) on Pinterest.
A special thanks goes out to the Camera+ App for letting ordinary people hide behind strategic shadows and photo filters.
To Get This Look
Because lets be honest. You are all curious.
T-shirt from a legitimate gift shop in Myrtle Beach. Compliments of two really great friends. Nothing says, “I am a hipster” more than wearing a T-shirt that nobody has from a place that nobody will ever go.
Tiggggghhht pants from Urban Outfitters that function like a wet suit only for air.
A pair of Converse high-tops that I bought as a gift to myself if I promised to stop acting like an LA tourist and apologizing to street performers.
Vince. An accessory every woman should have.
To Get This Hair
Sleep on a fried bunch of curls for two nights straight without an air conditioner.
Put it in a bun and pretend that it won’t be affected by the mist from a sub-par shower.
Take out rubber band and untangle the very top layer of hair with your fingers (depending on your hair type there is a good chance a hair brush isn’t going to make it through.)
And there you have it. The first CarlyBird.com fashion post. Comment below if you aren’t speechless at this point.
Tweet Cred
Currently trying to build up my tweet cred. If you feel like doing a good deed follow me at @Carly_Bird. One lucky follower will be chosen out of a drawing to win a gift certificate to Pollo Loco.
Since I have abdicated my throne as a bachelorette contestant on an online dating show, I have started to draw in a shadier crowd of men who prefer to run their dating lives in the digital world. I think I have given guys the wrong impression and would like to clarify. As great and as solid as my relationship with Kent has been in the internet realm, I usually don’t prefer to date in a virtual reality. Yes eHarmony.com that includes you. It also includes the greatest threat to real-life classic dating of all time…the text message. There is one guy’s digital dating style in particular I feel is necessary to address. To protect names and identity, we will call him: Rally Tingwood.
Enter Rally Tingwood
Imagine the Most Interesting Man in the World from the Dos Equis commercials with a cell phone. Now imagine every text message you got from that cell phone had a winky face to make you believe the 60 characters before it. Now imagine never actually dating the man behind the texts and receiving messages just far enough apart to believe there is nothing going on, but just close enough together to think there may be something going on. Brilliant. The timing is flawless and a text usually appears after you post a good-looking Instagram of yourself or run into him for 5-seconds at a party. You have met a “Rally Tingwood.”
Over the past few months I have received messages similar to this one from Rallywood:
The emoticon placements are flawless and he has me in the palm of his iPhone. I usually reply to these texts with a “Let’s go out,” followed by at least three exclamation points to show I am serious, followed by a victory celebration fist pumping the air. The thrill lasts a total of t-minus 3 seconds before I realize…Rally Tingwood has out-smarted me again. His typographic charm has temporarily blinded me from the reality that, like many other men, he has no intention of taking me out and that two weeks from now I will still be spending Friday night by myself watching reruns of Downton Abbey snuggling a body pillow.
It has also blinded me from an even harsher reality that most guys these days rarely put in effort to seduce women beyond predictive text and abbreviations.
In an effort to illustrate to Tingwood and men everywhere why I am currently becoming desensitized to my buzzing phone, I have created an Infographic:
Enter the Infographic
My girl Carly Rae Jepsen said it best when she made a hit pop song and had Abercrombie models sing it shirtless, “Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but here’s my number….so call me maybe?”
For those of you who don’t know, I was recently featured on an internet dating show called The Mormon Bachelor as a bachelorette. It was announced today that the bachelor, Kent Tuttle, has decided to leave the show. I have had some rough break ups in the past, but I have to say that this one is probably the hardest. I wasn’t expecting a relationship with so much promise, and so many unique page views on the internet, to end so fast. I also wasn’t expecting to get dumped by Kent’s producer’s intern via iPhone (Devin you did a great job and should get a raise.) Since I didn’t get the bad news from Kent Tuttle himself, I am left to assume the worst. Here are just a few reasons why I think our relationship may have ended.
1. Not Playing Hard to Get
There are two rules to playing hard to get. A) Put in little to no effort B) Keep your affections mysterious. Considering the fact that I spent time filling out an application to date Kent Tuttle, followed by a web video, followed by a Facebook post with comments from my girlfriends that said, “You will thank me when you are in Kent Tuttle’s arms.” It was difficult to play the mysterious “maybe I like you, maybe I don’t” card.
2. Playing too Hard to Get
Unfortunately, when I applied for TMB (Lingo for The Mormon Bachelor) nobody informed me that Kent Tuttle would be moving into my ward before the show actually taped. Trying to start a conversation with someone you made a web video to date and never planned on seeing outside of context is harder than you would think. My solution? Running. It was sort of a “bad luck to see the bride before the wedding” type of mindset. Our date wasn’t for two weeks and I wanted our first moments together to be caught on camera for our future kids to see. What I didn’t realize while I was diving behind church pews, is that Kent was getting the impression that I wasn’t interested. My distance was the beginning of a downward spiral in our relationship that ultimately drove a heartbroken Tuttle into the arms of another woman.
3. Trust Issues
I started getting an uneasy feeling about me and Kent’s relationship on June 8th when I read the following statement on his blog, “I am 6’6″ and my high center of gravity makes surfing a little tricky for me.” I had the sinking feeling that he might have been lying. A few days later my worst fears were confirmed by an anonymous friend who happens to be 6’6″.
Our foundation of trust was shattered.
4. Revealing Deal Breakers
Emily Maynard charmed the world when she used the Flawless Flaws strategy on a recent episode of the Bachelorette. The Flawless Flaws strategy is simple. You reveal flaws that are just big enough to show you aren’t too perfect, but small enough to not be considered a party foul. For example one of Emily’s go-to’s is “I go to the grocery store in my pajamas.” By using simple phrases like this one, she is able to show the world that although she is gorgeous and a new-born celebrity…she is a real person too.
In my efforts to seem real and relateable on camera, I revealed several flaws on my audition tape. Unfortunately, I underestimated the impact my honesty would have on Kent, Cougs Rock, and 5b30e80e-b23e-11-e-b2d3-000bcdca4d7a. Read below…
The flaws I revealed were shocking enough to elicit a “wow” response from both blog commenters. Coincidence? I don’t think so. It was looking very possible that my plan backfired and that I revealed deal breakers instead of minor road bumps too early in the relationship. In an effort to prove I was still worthy of Kent’s love I recently ran to the only place I could think of to get honest raw feedback, Venice Beach…. I asked the following men if each of these things were deal breakers.
Battle For Kent’s Love: COUGS ROCK VS. CARLYBIRD
Round 1: No Cooking Skills
Round 1 Winner- Carlybird. This response was common from the males I interviewed at Venice beach. Shocking? Not really. Yes Cougs Rock, guys outside of Provo don’t live off of frozen taquitos, hot pockets, and whatever is left over in the neighbor girl’s pantry. Man up and buy a skillet.
Round 2: Bad Driving
Round 2 Winner- Cougs Rock. I would like to respectfully apologize to Cougs Rock and drivers everywhere for not holding my circle.
Round 3: Bad Dancing
Round 3 Winner- Cougs Rock. In this instance, I am really glad that Cougs Rock tried to stop me from dancing before it was too late. I am very lucky I made it this far in the competition without getting shot. Since I live in LA, I am lucky I haven’t been shot in general but it’s good to know that revealing my Robyn-like dance moves could increase my chances.
Round 4: Gold Digging
Round 4 Winner- CarlyBird It looks like 5b30e80e-b23e-11-e-b2d3-000bcdca4d7a may have gotten confused at who he was calling a gold digger. Considering he is also going through an identity crises, it’s understandable.
TIE BREAKER: Our Children’s Survival
Tiebreaker Win- Cougs Rock (by forfeit) Unfortunately the only way to prove that me and Kent’s children would survive would be for me to have not gotten dumped. By default Cougs Rock takes the final win.
When It’s Over…That’s The Time I Fall In Love Again
Now that our relationship is over, I can’t help but relive some of the highlights from our relationship. Here are a few of my favorite memories
The Pick Up
When We First Met
First Public Display of Affection
Saying Goodbye
I am not sure how to officially end this, but I guess this is where me and Tuttle part ways. I would use the whole, “it’s not you it’s me,” line but I think it is pretty much implied at this point. Kent it was great while it lasted and I am really going to miss you and me on the internet.
What is Next?
I know I have built a big fan base since I joined the show (no I haven’t) but I regret to inform everyone that I will be dropping out. Unless… my coworker Vince is voted as the new Mormon Bachelor.
A little about Vince: Vince sits next to me at work and looks like Jack Black. He has no plans of ever becoming a dentist.
I am walking down a street in Santa Monica when and a guy with long flowing hair and an accent runs up to me and asks, “Please, let me take you to dinner?” It was as if I had been transported into a Hilary Duff movie and I had no idea what to say. “I am sorry,” I reply “I am new here and don’t really trust anyone. I will give you my email?” He throws his head backwards as if I just have just slapped him in the face. (Dramatic? Yes, but in LA everyone is working on their acting career so it’s not out of the ordinary.) I can see the wheels in his brain turning. We both know he has 3 seconds to say something before I walk out of his life forever. As I turn to leave, he heroically shouts his last argument, “but you can trust me… I AM A VEGAN.” and that’s when I knew…(sigh)…we would never be together.
Attack of the Vegetables
What people forgot to tell me when I moved by the beach is that eating healthy is a real thing here. People actually believe in microwave-less cooking. They LOVE vegetables, farmer’s markets, and the word “fresh”. Every meal is calculated to perfection and people legitimately cook dinners that I have only seen on TV and assumed weren’t a realistic option for anyone less than Betty Crocker status. I have read plenty of blog posts about this lifestyle, but to see it so actively lived and promoted is a whole new story. I have to say I am impressed. In Provo we grab a Jamba Juice, jog around the block, and call it good. Here, eating well is a religion and running around the block would be considered a 5K.
The Alien in The Office
Flashback to my first week of work. I am innocently typing away when an unnamed coworker asks, “what is that?” He points to a red plastic cup on my desk with a Kit-Kat wrapper peaking out of the rim. “It’s candy?” I stammer. He picks up the cup, tips it over, and just like a snow globe an avalanche of empty fun-size wrappers come fluttering out. Time graciously froze so I could see my coworker’s wide-eyed reaction followed by “Gasp” #1. This was the first of many party fouls. I continued to shock this new health-centered community with my diet.
“Gasp” #2 Came when I revealed that I brought a ravioli TV dinner for lunch.
“Gasp” #3 when I suggested McDonalds for dinner
“Gasp” #4 When I inhaled a bag of M&M’s mid-conversation during a meeting.
“Gasp” #5 When I threw up in my mouth after my first taste of this…
Say hello to my arch nemesis, a shake made entirely out of plants called THE SLURRY.
Your turn to “gasp.”
Drink or Die
Sink or swim. I had been thrown into a colony of cabbage patch kids and if I wanted to fit in I was going to have to start drinking this thing.
Special Note to Green Monster Drinkers: This is not a green monster. A green monster has tons of fruit with a pinch of spinach to make it look green and seem unusually healthy but to taste like..Jamba Juice. The slurry is the opposite and could actually be considered fruit abuse. Even if it had a glimmer of hope called a pineapple, it would immediately sabotage it’s flavor with something that tasted like an onion.
This drink does NOT taste good and is a test to prove that you have what it takes to outlive everyone by 30 years. Here is the breakdown.
The Slurry Breakdown
A slurry can contain any combination of the following:
Beets
Celery
Asparagus
Spinach
Lemon
Ginger
Bok choy
Carrots
Green Leaf Lettuce
Pineapple (the poor thing)
Zucchini
Lime
It is then put into one of THESE and regurgitated for your drinking pleasure.
Side Effects From Drinking This Concoction of Earth.
After a burst of morning energy you will realize that the cheap Asian salad aftertaste in your mouth is not going anywhere. However, this drink is said to have vitamins A through Z and is actually really good for you. It can also keep you from getting sick and will help you gain or lose weight depending on what you want.
Beet Me Senseless
After 4 mornings of painstakingly trying to take more than two sips of the slurry, I had lost all hope. Was I ever going to be able to fit in? In this land of Trader Joe’s and granola is there a place for someone who lives for double-stuff Oreos? Head on my desk, my coworkers appeared with a peace offering. “We know how much you love chocolate so we made a slurry just for you.” Tears welled up in my eyes as they explained that they had blended all my favorite candy bars into a cup of hot chocolate.
The Choco Slurry Breakdown
The chocolate slurry contains all of the following, but is not limited to these candy bars. In fact this drink is limitless, there are endless amazing combinations:
A Bag of M&Ms
Two Mr. Goodbars
Hershey’s Milk Chocolate
Hershey’s Dark Chocolate
Kit Kats
Chocolate Chip Granola Bar
Hot Chocolate- Extra Chocolate
Side Effects From Drinking ALL Your Favorite Candy Bars at Once
After a three-hour burst of energy from the high levels of caffeine you will crash. Completely pass out to the point of drooling only to be woken up by a tornado in your stomach. Worth it? Totally.
Note: make sure you have a solid tooth brush before drinking. 30 minutes of brushing will barely make a dent on the layers of sugar that will cement onto your teeth.
Why Can’t We Be Friends?
What I have learned from hanging with these Wild Oats is that people who love sugar and people who love salad can peacefully co-exist. There is room for both. Your tasting palette doesn’t define who you are, but your willingness to branch out and try something new does. Enjoy the recipes above: one will speed up your death the other will just taste like it.
I am interested to know what people drink or have been forced to drink to keep their bodies from deteriorating, if you have comments or recipes leave them below! Especially if it is a game-changer for your health and somehow doesn’t taste like it.
No one has anything good to say. We are all just sitting on a cliff in Laguna Beach watching the waves crash and trying to figure out what life for the next year and a half will be like without our best friend…Erica Hawkins. If you are wondering if we are just about to have an “it’s a wonderful life” moment. The answer is yes. This week Erica hopped on a plane to Russia to serve a mission. Here is how I imagine my world for the next year and a half without her.
1. No Good Karaoke
If you have ever seen Erica sing Karaoke, then you know that AppleBee’s Tuesday Karaoke Night is never going to be the same. I have never met anyone that could get a crowd of mediocre-steak loving customers up on their feet and screaming for songs like: Janice Joplin’s Piece of My Heart, Bonnie Tyler’s Total Eclipse of the Heart, and Bette Midler’s Wind Beneath My Wings. It was not uncommon for the Karaoke DJ or the restaurant host to try to steal part of the limelight by making the performance a duet mid-song. The crowd would be cheering, people in the corner booths would tear up, and as the song ended everyone would get depressed as they realized that we were actually still in an Applebees and the 80’s ended back in the 80’s. I have never seen anything like it and I don’t think I ever will. At least not until she gets back to the United States
2. No Good Facebook Hacks or Videos
Jordan Bledsoe wherever you are… I know this is hurting you the most. You are probably wondering, “who will leave 10 video messages on my Facebook wall for my birthday this year?” I don’t know. I wish I had the answer. Also, Danielle Blevins you are probably asking yourself..” Who is going to hack my Facebook, friend request guys, and then post a picture of them on my wall with this status?”
Once again.. I wish I knew. Below are a few of my favorite hacks to hold us off until she gets back. (If you have more to contribute send me the link and I will put it up)
I am going to miss coming home to find my Facebook open and a message like this at the top of my wall.
3. Everyone Will Stay Depressed
There have been so many times that Erica Hawkins has dragged my lifeless sorry self out of bed and into the sunshine. I can’t count the number of tears that she has somehow made evaporate with jokes about her relationships with Jordan Bledsoe, Levi Dukes, Christian Jones, and Jeff Larsen (if any of you are reading this, she STILL loves you.) Erica has an ability to drag someone’s emotions from a -50 to a +500 in T minus 5 seconds. Her method? Laughter and extreme distractions. You can’t stay depressed when your best friend is screaming Celine Dion lyrics, and even if you were trying to say something depressing…nobody could hear you.
6. Classic Skating Will Go Out of Business
I am pretty sure Classic Skating made most of it’s money off Erica Hawkins. Nobody loves knee high socks and roller tricks like Erica. Nobody.
7. Everyone Will Dress Boring
Until I met Erica, fashion was predictable. I am sure Urban Outfitters swears under it’s breath every time she flawlessly throws on a chex mix of great DI finds and vintage hand me downs to out do any “hipster” clothing catalogue.
8. I Won’t Be Dating/Marrying Kevin Hawkins
Recently, I was introduced to a crowd of people as the newest daughter-in-law to the Hawkins family. I couldn’t have been prouder. The only problem? I have never actually met Erica’s brother Kevin. Our entire relationship has been fabricated by the mind of Erica Hawkins. Now that she is gone… I don’t know if our fragile long distance relationship will last. TBA. But Kevin, if you are reading this…I miss you boo.
9. The Definition of Free Spirit Could Potentially Be Forgotten
One of Erica’s best qualities is that she doesn’t care what other people think. She knows who she is and isn’t afraid to let her hair down. If that means shouting from the rooftops…so be it.
10. Adventures Will Be Put On Hold
I am going to miss huffing and puffing to get to the top of a hill and find Erica standing on a cliff edge Pocahontas style. Whether it’s a rooftop, cliff, or mountain, she is constantly defying gravity and dragging the people she loves most with her. It was always a reminder to me that life is worth living and a bit of fresh air never hurt anybody.
So there you have it Russia. I hope you are happy that you have kidnapped one of our best. To be honest (and less selfish) I know that there are people across the world that need a blonde-haired burst of sunshine more than me and I am excited for this new chapter in Sister Hawkins life. Best of luck!
How Am I Supposed to Breathe with No Er Er
In honor of Erica leaving this week, here is one of her favorite videos to expose of me when she hacks my Facebook. It is absolutely mortifying but I feel like it is appropriate for the occasion. Jordan Sparks couldn’t have said it better when she asked…How Am I Supposed to Breathe with No Er Erica?
Another Thought-Provoking Guest Post By Daniel Rossi
Have you ever wished that you could go to Coachella just to say you did? I certainly haven’t, but I’m sure a good percentage of you have. This next eight minutes is dedicated to you. Six if you are educated.
Recently, you may have been around someone who appeared to be more unshaven than normal and had some unfortunately awkward sun burn lines. Chances are you have been spending some time with a person who attended Coachella.
Every year it amazes me that waves of youths (and probably a few who still wish they were youths) flock to the desert to engage in a weekend of musical foolery. What doesn’t amaze me is that Jack Daniels, tanning oil, and tank top sales skyrocket in the weeks leading up to the, as I call it in my own head, “Super bowl for Hipsters”.
Post Coachella Disorder
While minding my own business last week, I scrambled upon something I deemed to be disturbing. It was someone who diagnosed themselves with what they called PCD or “Post Coachella Disorder”.
Now I may be guilty of making fun of people who have gone to Coachella, but if you diagnose yourself with some sort of post traumatic stress disorder for having withdrawals from a concert in the middle of the desert, the world reserves every right to make fun of you.
It has been put on the record by many via social media that the integration back into normal society after a weekend of Coachella mania is not an easy one. I would argue that these same people were never actually part of what is considered to be normal society.
Side Note: One thing needs to be understood here: I don’t exactly know what goes on at Coachella. I’m obviously never going to go but I can only assume that it would be something like if Woodstock and a John Mayer concert had a child and it was raised on a strict vegan diet. After a time, said child got its first pair of Beats by Dre headphones, thought they were a DJ, started making music, snorting glitter, and the rest is history. Let that marinade for a minute.
Reasons I Did Not Attend Coachella
If the statements given above are not enough reason for me not to want to go already, 100 degree heat would be the icing on the mustache-shaped cake. But seriously, 100 degree heat? Me in the middle of the desert is basically the equivalent of putting an egg in a frying pan, the only question is whether I’m coming out scrambled or over easy. I prefer scrambled. Ladies, make a mental note.
Another reason I will not ever be attending Coachella is because I don’t own enough pairs of TOMS. It would be a true conundrum if I didn’t have several pairs on hand to be ready to transition seemlessly from Radiohead red TOMS to AVICII aqua TOMS to Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg fuzzy black TOMS, etc.
To this point, I have said nothing about the actual music that takes place during this music festival. That might be because this year’s biggest hype was ironically about a dead rapper’s holographic performance. To me that says one of two things: Either the music was terrible or you really enjoy holographic performances with recordings playing in the background. If that’s the case, you might be pathetic. Side note: There were many claims by witnesses that it was actually the real Tupac performing and NOT a hologram. Those people make me hate the idea even more than I actually already did, which Side Note to the Side Note: I didn’t know that was possible.
The Vision
In summary, when I did ask a friend who actually made the pilgrimage this year to comment, he shot me this gem of a text, “I guess the one way to describe Coachella is that it’s a collection of open minded individuals brought together by the beauty of music.” I don’t know, I guess I don’t see how that is all that different than the way that I was envisioning it.
We have been warning him for months, but he doesn’t understand. “Easter in our family is not NORMAL,” my cousin and I cackle as we start the I-15 drive to my Grandma’s house. The significant other in the back seat has no idea what he is in for and even if he did the car doors are locked and it’s too late now. However, he is not the only one. This year we had not 1, not 2, but 3 significants coming for Easter dinner. In my family this is unheard of. You could even say it was a miracle. As you read on, you will understand why. We have three traditions at Easter that we absolutely love, but that could put any solid relationship in jeopardy. And here we go…
Round 1: Easter Egg Truth or Dare
Easter in my family is centered around one very special family member, my cousin Tessa Farnsworth. This is because none of us can forget the events of Easter 2009 when my dad asked her visiting boyfriend how it felt to date a “more experienced woman.” What my Dad didn’t know is that A) That question was weird and B) Tessa had recently kissed another boy who happened to be my cousin’s best friend AND my Grandma’s archenemy. From my Dad’s comment, my brother assumed that Tessa’s secret was out and made a very special Easter egg detailing the kiss in white crayon.
By the time the egg emerged from the dye, all chaos had broken loose.
My Grandma squealed, Tessa’s boyfriend went rogue, and the rest of the family was either screaming or laughing histarically. The boyfriend never came back, but the tradition did.
Ever since then each cousin writes a family deep dark secret in white crayon on an easter egg. We all sit around and wait for the dye to reveal the much anticipated secrets from the previous year. The significant passes this round if he/she can take the heat and does not leave Easter dinner early.
This years winning egg? Due to a similar explosion of chaos, it cannot be discussed at this time (too soon).
Round 2: The Easter Egg Hunt
I am sure somewhere there is a perfect family that hides bright colored easter eggs in small patches of grass for babies to find. In our family, this is not the case. We leave easter egg hunting to the pros. After giving the two nephews a few eggs and a pat on the back, the older cousins turn into animals and it’s every man for himself.
My grandparents hides 100 eggs a year filled with dollar bills and quarters. When I say hide, I mean that my grandma uses camoflauge eggs and spends hours laughing to herself as she color coordinates the shells to match their surroundings. She is ridiculously good at it and we love it. After an hour of screaming, searching, and tackling each other, we give up and count the eggs. What the significant other’s don’t know is that the egg hunt is a test. We rank them on four things:
Skill: The number of eggs they find.
Survival: The number of eggs they win in a head to head battle for the same egg.
Baby-Girl-Loving: The number of eggs they sneak to their girlfriend when no one is looking.
Persistence: The amount of time they spend looking for the last 2-3 eggs skillfully buried somewhere near the earth’s core.
This year the significants passed. Previous years, this has not been the case.
Round 3: It’s What’s Inside the Egg That Really Matters
You can’t judge an Easter egg by it’s shell. It’s important to understand that regardless of looks a person’s personality is really what matters most. This is exactly why my Grandparents hang up every mortifying picture of their grandkids they can find to create the ultimate relationship test.
Upon entering the house, the significant is bombareded with photos of braces, chokers, baby fat, tie-dye shirts, and scrunchies. This forces him/her to focus their energy on the sweet spirit of the person they are dating because…. let’s be honest… you won’t be looking at them the same after you see these photos. The significant passes this round if he/she A) Does not offend anyone by how loud they laugh and B) Can get past the fact that the person they are dating used to rock pucka shells and sky-high bangs.
Congratulations Significants 1, 2, & 3!
I am happy to report that this year all the significants passed and we all loved them. I have to give them props for giving 100% effort. Easter was as great as it always is and we can’t wait till next year.
