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Why You Should Walk Away From Car Salesmen and Mediocre Boyfriends
Life, Popular Posts

Why You Should Walk Away From Car Salesmen and Mediocre Boyfriends

A few years ago, I needed a new car. I had finally killed my college vehicle that had become my second home and a loving graveyard for all of my mix tapes and fast food wrappers.

Why You Should Walk Away From Car Salesmen and Mediocre Boyfriends

Overwhelmed, I quickly went to the nearest dealership and test drove two cars. Within a half hour I was talked into potentially buying an orange Honda Fit by a salesman. Could I get it in the color I wanted? No. Was it long enough for my pencil arms? No. Was it the right price? No. Did it have a hatchback, a good warranty, and smell super nice? Yes. Lets take a second to let the stupidity sink in.

honda fit palm springs.sized

I really wanted this car. More than I wanted the one other car I drove. I was convinced it was the best new smelling car I could get and because negotiating makes me uncomfortable, I made the decision that I was going to get this car no matter the price.

Until, a friend called me.

“I can’t let people think I would hang out with someone who drives an orange Honda Fit,” he said. “I’ll help you shop tomorrow.”

Ironically enough this orange-Fit hating friend was a red head, but he was also insanely good at getting what he wanted. The next day he taught me one thing that has changed the way I buy cars, but more importantly, changed the way I date. It’s called: walking away.

After spending an entire day at dealerships, I learned two things:

  • There were more fish in the sea, and more cars in my budget than I had initially researched
  • Salesmen negotiated the best deals and made better recommendations if they knew you weren’t afraid to walk away.

It wasn’t a game of cat and mouse or a game of who cared less. It had nothing to do with either. It was a game of not settling, and getting exactly what I wanted.

I drove a bunch of cars and my friend quickly helped me make a list of what I had to have and couldn’t live without. Once I finished my checklist it made it simple to talk to car salesmen. Can I get it in this color? Yes. Can I get it for this price? No. WALK AWAY.

Easy right?

Not really. Not all women are built like red-headed men. We can sometimes get attached to things more quickly. You could give me a rock and by the end of the day I would have given it a name and be emotional about leaving it outside in the cold. So, it doesn’t come naturally for me to find a car, get attached to the sunroof, and pretend I am not crying inside as I walk away from it because the salesman wouldn’t fix the dent in the bumper. What if he didn’t come back with a counter offer? What if I didn’t find a car I liked as much? And most importantly, what if I never got to experience driving through Las Vegas with my torso through a sunroof?

Titanic

 

I didn’t believe in the system until one day I finally got the car I wanted.

And I didn’t believe they system applied to dating until a couple years ago when I used that car to drive away from someone that I honestly believed I couldn’t live without.

Over the years, I have seen many friends stay in dead-end relationships and settle for what they don’t want because they are scared that if they walk away they won’t find what they are looking for. But the truth is: if you don’t walk away you GUARANTEE that you won’t find what you are looking for.

There are men that won’t commit to you, because they know you won’t walk away. There are men who won’t allow you to be true to yourself, because they know you will cave. And there are men who will continue to hurt you because they know in a game of chicken you would lose willingly.

I know because at different points in my life I have been there.

But I am grateful for the friend I had that told me Honda Fits were ugly. Just like I am grateful for the friend that helped me drive away from someone who was a really great person, but couldn’t give me what I wanted.

In short, if you need to buy a car or find a soul mate:

  1. Find out what will make you happy
  2. Ask for it
  3. Be true to yourself, and walk away if you can’t get it

Some guys don’t counter offer.

Some guys don’t follow you when you leave.

But inevitably one guy will step up to the plate if you give him a chance. And these boots were made for walking toward that one.

Image Creds: Featured Image – 8 Tracks, Honda Fit – Edmunds

Counteract Boredom at Work
Life

11 Things To Do At Work Besides Working

I lie every Monday morning. Someone gets in the elevator, we awkwardly make eye contact, and a millisecond of silence sets off a chain reaction of default small talk beginning with, “Ah man, back to the daily grind.” The conversation ends with someone grumbling in response at a very low decibel as we shuffle out of the elevator. But let’s be serious. What are we, lumberjacks? What daily thing am I grinding? Why do we say that?

Some people have to walk into a coal mine on Monday mornings. I walk into an office with delicate Macbook Air computers and a meeting room with a leather couch that is actually called ‘Lounge Town’. Anyway, my point is this. Work is work, but it doesn’t have to be a grind.

And it could be amazing if you took a moment to appreciate your coworkers and the greatest gift that comes with working in an office.

Distractions.

Today marks my two year anniversary at BLITZ. Over those 730 days in the same 800 square ft sea of Ikea desks, I have seen a wide range of entertaining distractions that I honestly believe could not be fully appreciated in any other atmosphere. These moments are rare and can only happen when a group of people have hit the highest level of boredom possible, triggering a chaotic stream of creativity.

Creativity that couldn’t reach its full potential any other way.

Creativity that makes me love being an average human being.

Creativity that proves no man can be tamed, even in khaki pants.

I have documented some of my favorite ways that my coworkers and I have found to escape our Excel sheets and Keynote presentations to reach a higher level of office stimulation.

Here we go. 10 Things To Do At Work Besides Working.

1. Assign Theme Music to Impassioned Coworkers

Play it whenever they energetically start talking about pie charts, Yelp reviews, conference call etiquette, Jeff Goldblum, Oxford commas, or search engine optimization.

John Liu Speaks Soundtrack


2. Make opening packages a team effort.

Ship everything you buy online to your office. There is nothing more captivating than an unopened box.

Especially if it’s muffins.

girls and muffins

Protein powder.

FI3NMS on Make A Gif, Animated Gifs

Or Warby Parker sunglass samples.

Warbly Parker Sunglasses

3. Test out tactical gear.

Jonathan Nafarrete

tacticle

4. Learn to unicycle.

Learn to unicycle at work

5. Work out

working out at work

6. Discuss hypotheticals. Constantly. Until all possible scenarios have been exhausted.

Lately, my personal favorite debate has been:
How many John Shis would it take to beat up one Eric?

Hypothetical

Would you purposely sacrifice an initial wave of John Shis to distract from the John Shi that would finish him off? Would the John Shis have time to train? Would the John Shis have an advantage because they are lower to the ground? Discuss.

7. Determine Office Feats of Strength

Hypotheticals can only take you so far. When it is undetermined who could actually win in a fight (and HR won’t let you start a fight club) you only have one reasonable option. Determine competitions to predict the outcome of a potential fight. These feats of strength could be:

Showcasing fight techniques in slow motion

Office Self Defense on Make A Gif

Taking turns punching someone’s arm to let them judge the hardest hit.

Office Fight Club on Make A Gif

This.

Cat Fight with Kaitlin

Ramming cubicle walls.

Cubicle Tackle

And finally, the Harry Carry (a race to see who could carry one of our designers, Harry, across the office fastest.)

The Harry Carry

8. Throw magnets at the ceiling.

bucky balls

Buy bucky balls on the black market. Draw dry erase targets on the ceiling and shoot away.

9. Conversation hop

Walk in circles near areas known for interesting conversations. When you hear something you like, chime in. It doesn’t matter if it’s private, it just matters that it isn’t about work.

conversation hop

10. Open a coconut

With a survival knife.

coconut

Or a four story building

Coconut on Make A Gif

11. Join a Space Team

A new app called Space Team syncs up smart phones so that four people can hone their skills of yelling space commands at each other while furiously swiping levers on their screens to get a ship home safely. I promise it looks more ridiculous than it sounds.

And there you have it. Everything I have done in my corporate life instead of grinding.

Projects come and go, but coworkers never do. These guys are my space team for life and my sanity during late-night storms of proposals and presentations. We have accomplished a lot of great things together when it comes to innovative digital strategies for clients, and I attribute it to our ability to take a minute to think outside the box (or ram through it).

While I am stoked about the things we have done in the advertising realm over the last two years, everything I love about working has nothing to do with work.

Cheers guys.

10 Things to Do At Work Besides Working

How to Leave Utah
Life, Popular Posts

How to Leave Utah

It’s been a little over a year since I moved from Utah to Los Angeles. I haven’t run into any celebrities besides Mario Lopez and parts of my car have not been stolen, so I am still considered a transplant. However, the header image of this post is not me looking sexy in a Dodger’s hat which pushes me higher on the LA local scale. (Having Jerry Sloan and Jef Holm on the header image pushes me back down to transplant, but lets pretend I have enough authority to write this post.) Since I left the mother ship, I have repeatedly been asked two questions from friends back home. 1) “When are you coming back?” 2) “What is it like to leave?”

To the former, when Utah stops doing this:

To the latter, this post is for you.

This past year has been a game changer. Enough to break my 3-month blogging sabbatical to tell my friends who are standing at the edge of an overcrowded pool in Provo somewhere… to jump ship. Also, to abandon LIME RICKI SWIMWEAR (<-link surprise). Here we go. A beginners guide to leaving Utah.

1. If You Leave, Don’t Look Back.

Not to get OMD. But really. The more you miss Provo, the worse your move will be. You can’t move forward if you are always looking back, so step one is to exhaust every ounce of your Provo being before you leave. Stock up on J Dawgs, hit up the Raintree pool, and date like it’s the 4th of July on University Avenue. When you start getting bored of history repeating itself, dance parties with Cotton Eye Joe, and mini golf, you will know- It’s time. It is time.

2. Don’t Panic When You Realize There Is No One to Date

I loved the things people used to tell me as I was getting in my car to leave the Mormon dating capital of the world. “It only takes one.” or “There are too many guys in Provo to choose from, dating will be so much easier in a smaller pool.” NOOO not true. It’s the worst. Ha ha.

Your options will never be as plentiful as Provo. And dating will never be as easy. Since people in Provo like to talk about dating like ice cream flavors, I made you a visual.

It doesn’t look good. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t move.

One year later, I don’t have a husband or kids, but it doesn’t mean I am single, alone, or family-less. I am a committed partner to coworkers, I am a mom to friends who never had anyone to tell them to stop smoking weed, I am a sister to my close girlfriends, and I am a daughter to two bosses, a Bishop, and a Baptist Pastor.

Relationships I have built with strangers in an overwhelming city have been stronger than any relationship I built playing arcade games at Nickelcade with dates in Provo. And surprisingly, I am more happy. Relationships in and of themselves, are about learning to love someone else to the point where you couldn’t live without them. That doesn’t stop when you move. You actually learn how to do it better.

Also, you start to realize quickly that the people you want to date are the ones who have expanded their horizons. They are few and far between, but quality over quantity? That brown ice cream cone could be moose tracks.

3. Stop Acting Like You Are Still in Utah

When I first moved, I hated it. But it’s because I acted like I was living in Utah, when I clearly was not. I only hung out with friends from college, I only went to Provo-extended parties, I tried to plan 4 different events into one night regardless of the fact that LA has an insane problem with traffic, and I chose to eat at chain restaurants because they were cheap and familiar. I should be punished for single-handedly keeping Applebees in business.

One day I realized I was depriving myself of the only real experience I have ever had outside of Utah. I decided to do the opposite of what I normally would do and the tables turned. I fell in love with real Los Angeles food (it’s an art). I started hanging out with coworkers outside of work who became my best friends. I learned my neighbor’s viewpoint on alien abductions and looked up “must see” places around the city. I adapted to the culture and quickly became obsessed with the abnormal quirks of the strangest city I will ever live in.

4. Figure Out Who You Are When All Of Your 1,000 Best Friends Are Not Around

Freak. You don’t have to wear make up or shower when you leave Provo. Nobody will know you. I would rank this as my #1 reason to get out. There is a sense of freedom that comes with being able to do things on your own without worrying what people will think. These things include but are not limited to:

  • Going to a movie by yourself
  • Eating Taco Bell in bed
  • Experimenting with leopard prints and high-wasted jeans
  • Talking to strangers at dinner about alligator wrestling techniques
  • Figuring out if you love Quinoa or if you think it tastes like rubber

I have learned more about myself this year than any other cumulative year in my entire life. This includes turning 14 and getting the puberty talk (Men reading this just shut their laptops).

5. Adopt Brad Pitt as a Godfather

As Brad Pitt said with his baby blues in World War Z, “Movement is Life.” If you move, you have a better chance at surviving a zombie apocolypse, but more importantly, you have a better chance of surviving a fate that I believe to be much worse…staying the same. A year from now, after you have left, when you think of all the tears, confusion, and the nights you were homesick for Sunday night dessert parties, you will look in the mirror and see someone that accomplished something hard and you will like yourself much better for doing it. Growth is a beautiful thing and as George Zimmer would say:


Stand Up Desks
Life, Popular Posts

Say No to Stand Up Desks

I currently sit in the armpit of Eric Chevalier. This is thanks to a free-thinker who thought they were benefiting society by shopping at Whole Foods and developing the stand up desk with abandoned Ikea furniture.

Our office recently gave everyone the option to get a stand up desk or to continue using chairs. This put me and my desk neighbor Eric in an awkward position, but mostly it put me at eye level with any object that rolls across the edge of his desk and into my forehead. As a result, over the last three months I have documented my coworkers with stand up desks to reveal the truth about taking a stand. Here are some of disadvantages I have noticed: (Note – All of the photos below were taken unknowingly over the course of three months. Dedication.)

1. Set Up

Building a piece of furniture from Ikea is about as stressful as taking the ACT. Except with the ACT you are guaranteed that the critical thinking nightmare won’t be longer than 4 hours. So unless you have an intern who will build the desk for you and measure your eye levels to guarantee optimal posture, stop. (So basically unless you have Spencer, which you don’t because we have him.)

2. Sidlers

Seinfeld introduced the “sideler” during its 162nd episode. A sideler is anyone who sneaks up behind you without you knowing. Refer to the pirated video below:

Because you are always standing, you are always in a vulnerable position for sidlers walking by. However, it could be argued that a professional sideler can commit to meeting various eye levels.

3. Full exposure to your feet.

Unless you have presentable shoes that also meet the comfort level needed to stand all day, stand up desks are not a good option for you. Vibram FiveFingers are also not a good option for you.

4. Nobody wants to stand all day.

This becomes a problem when you have a standing desk. As a result, I have seen all sorts of strange solutions to avoid the discomfort.

Standing on an inflateable.

Denial that you have a stand up desk.

Denial that you are at work.

Benefits?

So far, I have only seen one benefit to the stand up desk discovered by Ellen Lu. And that is, there is more space to hang photos of good looking men. Slow clap goes out to Ellen for making lemonade out of lemons, and a beautiful montage out of a somewhat disfunctional color printer.

What’s Next

Although some of you may continue to deny that your stand up desk is killing your feet and that you schedule meetings for no reason other than to sit in a chair, others might be interested in more comfortable alternatives. Here are some new up and coming trends I have seen in the office:

Arms elevated.

Feet elevated

Legs perpendicular

Laying down

Cardboard

Something to Sit On

What are your thoughts about standing desks? Ikea no Ikea? Maybe an upgrade to this sit-stand contraption? Or even better this desk that looks like it could be transformed into a segway? Or literally going the ‘extra mile’ with a treadmill addition? This trial with a unicycle addition didn’t go so well, but I’m open for comments and suggestions.


Google

The Hulk vs. The Ex Girlfriend
, Life

The Hulk vs. The Ex Girlfriend

I wish I could say the picture above isn’t me kicking an ex-boyfriends black Audi in Ugg boots (more sorry about the Ugg boots.) I wish I could say that I never left 4-part voicemails, threw library books, or was straight up close-lined by a set of monkey bars while walking away from a break up. If someone asked, I would deny choking down tubs of ice cream while listening to Taylor Swift. I would also deny that my roommates ever had to play red rover with my Jeep to stop me from driving (in surgical boots) through a snow storm to win someone back. Enter image of surgical boots:

Although all these college stories are mortifying, I learned a lot over those years that may help women who are slowly transforming into hot messes as we speak. At the cost of my pride (as if I had any after showcasing a photo post bunion surgery), I am willing to admit what few women will. My name is Carly. I am 25-years-old. And I am an incredible ex-girlfriend.

Monstor Mash

In May 1962 Marvel comics introduced one of the greatest antiheroes of all time: The Hulk. Wikipedia describes him as mutated humanoid monster with an inability to control his rage.

He is also described as an emotional, impulsive alter ego of a withdrawn and reserved physicist. This makes him the comic book character most relateable to—-

Women and/or EX’s (I won’t be exclusive with this post. Looping in passionate males).

At this point you may be wondering… Why am I drawing a comparison between the hulk and emotionally unstable Taylor Swifts? Because Nerds in a basement somewhere were passive aggressively trying to help those struggling with separation anxiety via sharpie markers and this tiny gem of information:

Dr. Banner was able to find a way to control an overwhelming alterego by avoiding emotional triggers. These triggers were anything that caused: anger, terror, or grief.

To continue the service of Marvel, and to put my years of research to good use, I will be spelling out triggers to avoid. This is specific to anyone trying to get over a breakup in a way that limits their need for damage control later on.

Trigger 1: Social Media

Immediately delete the individual on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, etc. etc. In extreme cases (ie: “the love of your life” or “the one who got away”) unfollow any of their close friends and family temporarily. It’s the same idea as trying to avoid finding out the ending of Downton Abbey before you get to watch it. Shield your eyes and unfollow anyone who is known for being a buzz kill when it comes to epic moments in historic dramas.

Over time you can win these privileges back, but for the immediate time being watching someone live while you are dying is never a good idea. If you give a mouse a cookie, he will want milk. If you give an emotionally unstable girl her ex-boyfriends profile on Facebook, she will will want to read every comment from other girls and question their friends in common for details. It’s like a slow motion train wreck. I have seen entire breakdowns over scenarios made up from reading one 140 character tweet.

Trigger 2: Saying Sorry

A street performer in LA (surprisingly very credible life mentors) once told me, “Don’t be sorry. A sorry person is a sad person.” I believe it. If you did something wrong, say it once. Make it epic. Chase him down in the rain, show up on his doorstep, get edgy and vandalize a freeway overpass by poking millions of plastic red cups through a chain link fence to spell out the word “SORRY.” Make sure he knows you mean it. After that move on.

You accept the love you think you deserve and by repeatedly apologizing you create an idea that you don’t deserve forgiveness or much of anything. Over time this will do damage to your self-esteem and change you into a person you don’t recognize.

Trigger 3: Staying Friends

By far the worst part of breaking up is losing a best friend. And not like a Homeward Bound lost my best friend in the wilderness kind of way. More like a Men in Black my best friend was possessed by an alien type of way.

You may be experiencing hulk tendancies, but the breakup-ee goes through major metamorphic changes as well. But to be honest, it doesn’t matter what strange things he/she is doing to compensate for what happened. What matters is that their relationship to you has changed. They may look the same, they may even act the same around you at different times, but they are not the same person that they were with you before they decided to call it quits. Nor can they go back to that point.

But why can’t you still be friends?

You can. I am not saying you can’t. I am friends with two of my ex’s and we often laugh about the times we ripped each other’s hearts out over brunch. But it takes time. And if you don’t give it enough time, you will find yourself having to repeatedly start all over in the recovery process. I once had a former boyfriend ask me “how long till we can be friends?” Unfortunately, there is not a timeline. For some people it’s two weeks I have seen other’s still recovering three years later. Here is a way to gauge “How long.”

It hasn’t been long enough if:

  • You are having to “work on your relationship.” (You are not in a relationship. You are friends. A good friendship requires little to no effort.)
  • You can’t talk about each other’s love lives.
  • If they are inconsistent with how they treat you.
  • You are frustrated more often than you are laughing after hanging out and are distracted when they don’t text you back.
  • You pretend you are dating other guys, but would fail a pop quiz about the names and occupations of all the people you recently went on dates with.

It has been long enough if:

  • You have dated multiple people since.
  • If they asked you if you wanted to get dinner you would go unshowered and suggest taco bell.
  • Can laugh about how much you hated or still hate each other.
  • Only think about them when you are with them.
  • Think more about your good times together than your bad.
  • Could go to their wedding and hug their other half with the right amount of pressure.

I Gotta Go My Own Way

I hate telling people what they can’t do without telling them what they can. In closing, here are things you can do that are not triggers that do help.

  • Sleep. There is a reason people tell you to “sleep on it.” Bad decisions involving Damien Rice lyrics as your Facebook status, were never made with a good amount of ZZZZ’s. If you can’t sleep exercise until you can. I recommend Richard Simmons work out tapes for obvious reasons.
  • Hang out with people who are funny.
  • Help someone else out. My Dad once told me “If it is too hard to be in your world, put yourself in someone else’s.” Distract yourself by doing good for someone else.
  • Surround yourself with men who treat you well and say nice things about you. Even if it’s  just your nephew. And you paid him in M&M’s.
  • Stop focusing on what you don’t have and look at what you do. They make movies like Win a Date with Tad Hamilton for a reason. There is almost ALWAYS a guy best friend who has been there all along. Turn around and kiss. his. mouth.
  • Start over: Get a haircut, buy converse high-tops, rearrange your room, put up poster’s of strong female roles (Stevie Nicks, Carley Simon, Robyn, etc.), and channel your energy to start a new life or start dancing like this:

So there you have it. The best tips I can give when it comes to going your own way.

If you need a support team, you know where to find me and Vanessa.

Become an Advocate for Cargo Shorts
Ideas

Become an Advocate for Cargo Shorts

I can’t name the number of times a woman has said to me, “I love him. Even though he wears cargo shorts and tennis shoes, I love him.”

I would like to make a bold statement.

Women. Women everywhere. I don’t believe you love him despite the cargo shorts, I believe you love him BECAUSE of the cargo shorts.

I said it. I am not taking it back.

Lets start from the beginning.

Why Cargo Shorts Were Taken Away

Thanks to an anonymous tip (ahem Russell) I don’t believe cargo shorts were taken away because of style issues. I believe they were taken off the “chic” list out of spite. Women designers were offended that men didn’t think girls looked sexy in the rompers they painstakingly tried to make popular. Yes. Because their terrible invention was banished to Forever 21 for not looking good on the majority of women, they retaliated by taking the most useful item of clothing men have and made them… shameful.

I am sorry. I am fighting back.

Three Reasons To Become an Advocate for Cargo Shorts

Reason 1: Storage Space

Let’s start with the obvious. The pockets on these shorts could fit an entire purse in them if need be, giving you the freedom to frolic through concerts, clubs, and rodeos (yes, looping in cowboys) without worrying about your wallet, iPhone, lipstick, etc. In summary, cargo shorts: no storage issues. Guy that is wearing the same pants as you: storage issues.

Reason 2: Cargo Shorts = Pre-Conditioned Survival Skills

How many Eagle Scouts do you know that don’t own a pair of cargo shorts? How many wilderness-obsessed men have you met that have never experimented with the double or triple zip-off pant?

If there were a zombie apocalypse which one of these guys would you team up with to survive? Take some time out of your day to answer these questions for yourself.

Reason 3: Rage Against the Machine

If you are the type of woman that is attracted to rebels (every woman, so I am speaking to every woman right now.) You should realize that wearing a pair of cargo shorts with Nikes and socks is a bold statement. It’s a guy saying, “I am not like you and I don’t care if Vogue is throwing a fit right now.” It’s a guy that is actually rebelling against the majority unlike the hipster on your doorstep who begs to be unique by manipulating his facial hair but could literally cut himself out of an Urban Outfitters catalog.

To help you all appreciate men in cargo shorts I created a board of men in cargo shorts on Pinterest. Click here to solidify any remaining doubts you may have about this legendary menswear item.

Have a Strong Opinion About Cargo Shorts?

Comment below if you agree, disagree, or hate this blog. Also, if I have done my worst and you need a pair right now, click here.

BreakingUpWIthKentTuttle
Life, Popular Posts

Breaking Up With Kent Tuttle

For those of you who don’t know, I was recently featured on an internet dating show called The Mormon Bachelor as a bachelorette. It was announced today that the bachelor, Kent Tuttle, has decided to leave the show. I have had some rough break ups in the past, but I have to say that this one is probably the hardest. I wasn’t expecting a relationship with so much promise, and so many unique page views on the internet, to end so fast. I also wasn’t expecting to get dumped by Kent’s producer’s intern via iPhone (Devin you did a great job and should get a raise.) Since I didn’t get the bad news from Kent Tuttle himself, I am left to assume the worst. Here are just a few reasons why I think our relationship may have ended.

1. Not Playing Hard to Get

There are two rules to playing hard to get. A) Put in little to no effort B) Keep your affections mysterious. Considering the fact that I spent time filling out an application to date Kent Tuttle, followed by a web video, followed by a Facebook post with comments from my girlfriends that said, “You will thank me when you are in Kent Tuttle’s arms.” It was difficult to play the mysterious “maybe I like you, maybe I don’t” card.

2. Playing too Hard to Get

Unfortunately, when I applied for TMB (Lingo for The Mormon Bachelor) nobody informed me that Kent Tuttle would be moving into my ward before the show actually taped. Trying to start a conversation with someone you made a web video to date and never planned on seeing outside of context is harder than you would think. My solution? Running. It was sort of a “bad luck to see the bride before the wedding” type of mindset. Our date wasn’t for two weeks and I wanted our first moments together to be caught on camera for our future kids to see. What I didn’t realize while I was diving behind church pews, is that Kent was getting the impression that I wasn’t interested. My distance was the beginning of a downward spiral in our relationship that ultimately drove a heartbroken Tuttle into the arms of another woman.

3. Trust Issues

I started getting an uneasy feeling about me and Kent’s relationship on June 8th when I read the following statement on his blog, “I am 6’6″ and my high center of gravity makes surfing a little tricky for me.” I had the sinking feeling that he might have been lying. A few days later my worst fears were confirmed by an anonymous friend who happens to be 6’6″.

Our foundation of trust was shattered.

4. Revealing Deal Breakers

Emily Maynard charmed the world when she used the Flawless Flaws strategy on a recent episode of the Bachelorette. The Flawless Flaws strategy is simple. You reveal flaws that are just big enough to show you aren’t too perfect, but small enough to not be considered a party foul. For example one of Emily’s go-to’s is “I go to the grocery store in my pajamas.” By using simple phrases like this one, she is able to show the world that although she is gorgeous and a new-born celebrity…she is a real person too.

In my efforts to seem real and relateable on camera, I revealed several flaws on my audition tape. Unfortunately, I underestimated the impact my honesty would have on Kent, Cougs Rock, and 5b30e80e-b23e-11-e-b2d3-000bcdca4d7a. Read below…

The flaws I revealed were shocking enough to elicit a “wow” response from both blog commenters. Coincidence? I don’t think so. It was looking very possible that my plan backfired and that I revealed deal breakers instead of minor road bumps too early in the relationship. In an effort to prove I was still worthy of Kent’s love I recently ran to the only place I could think of to get honest raw feedback, Venice Beach…. I asked the following men if each of these things were deal breakers.

Battle For Kent’s Love: COUGS ROCK VS. CARLYBIRD

Round 1: No Cooking Skills

Round 1 Winner- Carlybird. This response was common from the males I interviewed at Venice beach. Shocking? Not really. Yes Cougs Rock, guys outside of Provo don’t live off of frozen taquitos, hot pockets, and whatever is left over in the neighbor girl’s pantry. Man up and buy a skillet.

Round 2: Bad Driving

Round 2 Winner- Cougs Rock. I would like to respectfully apologize to Cougs Rock and drivers everywhere for not holding my circle.

Round 3: Bad Dancing

Round 3 Winner- Cougs Rock. In this instance, I am really glad that Cougs Rock tried to stop me from dancing before it was too late. I am very lucky I made it this far in the competition without getting shot. Since I live in LA, I am lucky I haven’t been shot in general but it’s good to know that revealing my Robyn-like dance moves could increase my chances.

Round 4: Gold Digging

Round 4 Winner- CarlyBird It looks like 5b30e80e-b23e-11-e-b2d3-000bcdca4d7a may have gotten confused at who he was calling a gold digger. Considering he is also going through an identity crises, it’s understandable.

TIE BREAKER: Our Children’s Survival

Tiebreaker Win- Cougs Rock (by forfeit) Unfortunately the only way to prove that me and Kent’s children would survive would be for me to have not gotten dumped. By default Cougs Rock takes the final win.

When It’s Over…That’s The Time I Fall In Love Again

Now that our relationship is over, I can’t help but relive some of the highlights from our relationship. Here are a few of my favorite memories

The Pick Up

When We First Met

First Public Display of Affection

Saying Goodbye

I am not sure how to officially end this, but I guess this is where me and Tuttle part ways. I would use the whole, “it’s not you it’s me,” line but I think it is pretty much implied at this point. Kent it was great while it lasted and I am really going to miss you and me on the internet.

What is Next?

I know I have built a big fan base since I joined the show (no I haven’t) but I regret to inform everyone that I will be dropping out. Unless… my coworker Vince is voted as the new Mormon Bachelor.

A little about Vince: Vince sits next to me at work and looks like Jack Black. He has no plans of ever becoming a dentist.

To Vote: CLICK HERE

We all deserve a second chance at love.

Slurry
, Life, Westside Wisdom

How to Fit in With a Colony of Vegetable Lovers

Rage Against The Green

I am walking down a street in Santa Monica when and a guy with long flowing hair and an accent runs up to me and asks, “Please, let me take you to dinner?” It was as if I had been transported into a Hilary Duff movie and I had no idea what to say. “I am sorry,” I reply “I am new here and don’t really trust anyone. I will give you my email?” He throws his head backwards as if I just have just slapped him in the face. (Dramatic? Yes, but in LA everyone is working on their acting career so it’s not out of the ordinary.) I can see the wheels in his brain turning. We both know he has 3 seconds to say something before I walk out of his life forever. As I turn to leave, he heroically shouts his last argument, “but you can trust me… I AM A VEGAN.” and that’s when I knew…(sigh)…we would never be together.

Attack of the Vegetables

What people forgot to tell me when I moved by the beach is that eating healthy is a real thing here. People actually believe in microwave-less cooking. They LOVE vegetables, farmer’s markets, and the word “fresh”. Every meal is calculated to perfection and people legitimately cook dinners that I have only seen on TV and assumed weren’t a realistic option for anyone less than Betty Crocker status. I have read plenty of blog posts about this lifestyle, but to see it so actively lived and promoted is a whole new story. I have to say I am impressed. In Provo we grab a Jamba Juice, jog around the block, and call it good. Here, eating well is a religion and running around the block would be considered a 5K.

The Alien in The Office

Flashback to my first week of work. I am innocently typing away when an unnamed coworker asks, “what is that?” He points to a red plastic cup on my desk with a Kit-Kat wrapper peaking out of the rim. “It’s candy?” I stammer. He picks up the cup, tips it over, and just like a snow globe an avalanche of empty fun-size wrappers come fluttering out. Time graciously froze so I could see my coworker’s wide-eyed reaction followed by “Gasp” #1. This was the first of many party fouls. I continued to shock this new health-centered community with my diet.

  • “Gasp” #2 Came when I revealed that I brought a ravioli TV dinner for lunch.
  • “Gasp” #3 when I suggested McDonalds for dinner
  • “Gasp” #4 When I inhaled a bag of M&M’s mid-conversation during a meeting.
  • “Gasp” #5 When I threw up in my mouth after my first taste of this…

Say hello to my arch nemesis, a shake made entirely out of plants called THE SLURRY.

The Slurry

Your turn to “gasp.”

Drink or Die

Sink or swim. I had been thrown into a colony of cabbage patch kids and if I wanted to fit in I was going to have to start drinking this thing.

Special Note to Green Monster Drinkers: This is not a green monster. A green monster has tons of fruit with a pinch of spinach to make it look green and seem unusually healthy but to taste like..Jamba Juice. The slurry is the opposite and could actually be considered fruit abuse. Even if it had a glimmer of hope called a pineapple, it would immediately sabotage it’s flavor with something that tasted like an onion.

This drink does NOT taste good and is a test to prove that you have what it takes to outlive everyone by 30 years. Here is the breakdown.

The Slurry Breakdown

A slurry can contain any combination of the following:

  • Beets
  • Celery
  • Asparagus
  • Spinach
  • Lemon
  • Ginger
  • Bok choy
  • Carrots
  • Green Leaf Lettuce
  • Pineapple (the poor thing)
  • Zucchini
  • Lime

It is then put into one of THESE and regurgitated for your drinking pleasure.

Side Effects From Drinking This Concoction of Earth.

After a burst of morning energy you will realize that the cheap Asian salad aftertaste in your mouth is not going anywhere. However, this drink is said to have vitamins A through Z and is actually really good for you. It can also keep you from getting sick and will help you gain or lose weight depending on what you want.

Beet Me Senseless

After 4 mornings of painstakingly trying to take more than two sips of the slurry, I had lost all hope. Was I ever going to be able to fit in? In this land of Trader Joe’s and granola is there a place for someone who lives for double-stuff Oreos? Head on my desk, my coworkers appeared with a peace offering. “We know how much you love chocolate so we made a slurry just for you.” Tears welled up in my eyes as they explained that they had blended all my favorite candy bars into a cup of hot chocolate.

The Chocolate Slurry

The Choco Slurry Breakdown

The chocolate slurry contains all of the following, but is not limited to these candy bars. In fact this drink is limitless, there are endless amazing combinations:

  • A Bag of M&Ms
  • Two Mr. Goodbars
  • Hershey’s Milk Chocolate
  • Hershey’s Dark Chocolate
  • Kit Kats
  • Chocolate Chip Granola Bar
  • Hot Chocolate- Extra Chocolate

Side Effects From Drinking ALL Your Favorite Candy Bars at Once

After a three-hour burst of energy from the high levels of caffeine you will crash. Completely pass out to the point of drooling only to be woken up by a tornado in your stomach. Worth it? Totally.

Note: make sure you have a solid tooth brush before drinking. 30 minutes of brushing will barely make a dent on the layers of sugar that will cement onto your teeth.

Why Can’t We Be Friends?

What I have learned from hanging with these Wild Oats is that people who love sugar and people who love salad can peacefully co-exist. There is room for both. Your tasting palette doesn’t define who you are, but your willingness to branch out and try something new does. Enjoy the recipes above: one will speed up your death the other will just taste like it.

I am interested to know what people drink or have been forced to drink to keep their bodies from deteriorating, if you have comments or recipes leave them below! Especially if it is a game-changer for your health and somehow doesn’t taste like it.

March_Madness_Guide_For_Women
Ideas, Popular Posts

The Ultimate Women’s Guide to March Madness

A Guest Post By Daniel Rossi

If you are currently alive, you have heard of March Madness. Every year terms like “office pool”, “Cinderella”, “upset alert”, and countless others are thrown around like they were fourth grade vocabulary words.

March Madness is to men what the Nordstrom half-yearly sale, Victoria Secret fashion show, and finding out the new cast for “ Dancing With the Stars” is to women, all rolled into one.

While men all over America sit around watching the game, I picture helpless women sitting alongside their man and his friends, desperately wishing they had a clue as to what was going on. Naturally I am here to bridge the gap and translate the NCAA tournament and college basketball into terms women will easily understand.

Some women may wonder how men can watch SO much basketball. After all, it is the same game, the same ball, the same court, etc… Doesn’t that get boring after a while? Ladies, I will answer that question with a question: Do you ever get bored shopping for adorable shoes? No, you don’t.

Every shoe is different with every company making a slightly different version of the same product. College programs are much the same. Every team has different coaches, different players, and different strategies all while competing in the same product arena, chasing the same ultimate goal.

To help you better understand an overall historical landscape of college basketball, I have broken things down in such a way that you literally could not, not understand.

Team Breakdown:

Tier 1

Duke, North Carolina, UCLA, Kentucky, Kansas: These programs would be considered the Louis Vuitton of college basketball. They have the respect of every other program and are the top dogs.

Tier 2

Syracuse, Ohio State, Michigan State, Louisville, Connecticut: These programs are the Sperrys of college basketball. They are classy and look good and can be dressed up or down depending on the situation.

Tier 3

Gonzaga, Wisconsin, Texas, BYU, Marquette,: These teams are the Vans shoe of college basketball. They are solid, get the job done and will be there every year, but will they ever be considered the top shoe? No.

Tier 4

Binghamton, Grambling State, Louisiana Monroe, Northern Arizona: These teams would be the old pair of dog chewed sandals you forgot to throw away in your closet.

The Opposing Team:

A team’s opponent in the tournament is like your ex boyfriend’s new girlfriend after he broke up with you. You might know the girl really well (within your same conference) or you may have never seen her before in your life (different conference). Either way, they have something you both desperately want.

Position Breakdown:

The Point Guard: The point guard runs the show. The “point” is generally the smallest player on the floor, good passer, good shooter and is in charge of getting his teammates involved. They are almost always the smartest player on the team.

Translation: This is the person in your circle of friends that keeps everyone in the loop about what is going down this weekend. She sends out group texts saying things like “OMG Taco Tuesday this week?!” or “Let’s go dancing Friday.”

WARNING: This person might be super handsome and irresistible to all women…Side note: I was a Point Guard. You do the math.

The Shooting Guard: Generally considered to be the scorer/shooter on the team. They are usually a great defensive player and one of the best athletes on the floor.

Translation: This is the girl in your group who gets the attention when you go out for drinks. She has a little bit of everything. She is cute without trying, graduated with a masters at age seventeen, and has perfect teeth without ever having braces. She has to wear a fake wedding ring just so guys don’t bother her all night long.

The Small Forward: In most cases the in-between player. They are decent at most things but not really spectacular at any one thing.

Translation: This is the girl in your circle of friends that everyone generally seems to forget about. You don’t mind if they are there, and you don’t mind if they aren’t.

The Power Forward: Big, strong, and athletic. They are great rebounders and shot blockers and in some cases the team’s best player.

Translation: This is the Monica of the show “Friends”. She has a ton going for her, cute, smart, funny, but she just isn’t quite Rachel.

The Center: This position is the tallest on the floor. Centers block shots, rebound, and play close to the basket. Most of the time the game of basketball picks them because they are tall, not the other way around.

Translation: This is the tall girl of your circle of friends. She is like a baby giraffe that just came out of the womb, a little gangly and pretty awkward.

The Bracket

You may also be wondering how each year teams in the tournament are ranked and paired together. It really is quite simple, the teams considered the best in the tournament are given the one, two, and three seeds while the worst teams in the tournament are ranked as fourteen, fifteen, and sixteen seeds.

To help you conceptualize this idea in terms women can easily understand, I have created a bracket of my very own…

1 Diamonds vs. 16 Carbs | 2 Shoes vs. 15 Laundry

These Matchups are simple. Year in and year out, one and two seeds prevail. (Note two 15 seeds won this year. I guess laundry is cool too)

3 The Notebook vs. 14 Video Games | 4 Puppies vs. 13 Horses

These matchups are a little more interesting. Every so often, a 13/14 seed can win the day.

5 A Guy With Money vs. 12 A Guy With a Sense of Humor

For whatever reason, at least one 12 beats one 5 every year.

6 Chocolate vs. 11 Frozen Yogurt | 7 Manicure/Pedicure vs. 10 Tanning

You could see both winning, but more times that not the 6 and 7 seeds take it.

8 Cuddling vs. 9 Flowers

The closest matchup in the tourney. It’s really a shot in the dark.(Woman Madness Bracket Note: I could see Cuddling making a deep run in this particular tournament)

Now ladies I am no magician, but by knowing these basic principles of the March Madness tournament, your likelihood of being single next April will drop 36-64 percentage points based on what made up scale you use.

And finally, let’s be honest with one another. No man knows what he is talking about when it comes to brackets. All I do is watch basketball and if you would have chosen this year based on how adorable the team’s uniforms looked, chances are you would have had a more successful bracket than me.

So next year don’t be afraid, fill one out. And if a guy questions your choice just respond with, “They’ve been a great road team all year. They can handle pressure.” Trust me, it’ll work.

Life, Los Angeles, Westside Wisdom

10 Things I’ve Learned From Moving to LA

Welcome Home Carly Walker

I grew up in Utah and I went to school at BYU-Idaho. Our idea of a main street closes at 10 and the most dangerous place I have ever set foot in is the Rain Tree Hot Tub. So you can imagine my culture shock when 4 liquor stores and a family reunion of homeless locals were waiting outside my apartment to welcome me to the one and only…Los Angeles, California.

Oh I’ve Been Afraid of Changing

You may be wondering how I got here or why, and to be honest its all a blur. I woke up one day with my bags packed driving off with a pair of knock-off Ray Bans to cover my goodbye tears. It’s like Stevie Nicks said, “I’ve been afraid of changing because I built my life around you, but time makes you bolder, children get older, I’m getting older too.” I have always wanted to move by the beach, but didn’t want to leave the people I loved and had built my life around. Luckily time makes you bolder. Change is a scary thing, but if you stare at a cliff long enough you are bound to jump at some point. This was my ultimate leap of faith. Enough sap…lets get to the good stuff. LA has so many surprises for a young and naive Utah local. Here are my top 10.

1. Winter in California is a Joke

Every morning is the same thing. I peel away my curtains, the Beach Boys start singing, and a pack of California sun beams shower my skin. As my old roommates would say, “It’s a tender mercy” and I swear it’s not real life.

2. Inglewood Is Up To No Good

One of my first nights here, I ran out of gas in the wrong part of town. I soon learned what Dr. Dre meant when he said Inglewood was up to no good. Without thinking I got out of a car in a dim-lit empty gas station. Out of the shadows emerged four gangsters and I was surrounded. Terrified, tears-welled up in my eyes as they made their demands…a bag of potato chips. Someone should tell Ruffles they have a huge fan base in the hood.

3. The Street Doesn’t Sweep Itself

Speaking of hoods, this gem was on my hood the next morning for blocking a street-sweeper.

I learned the hard way that it’s cleaning services are highly valued by the state of California. I wish LA gave you the opportunity to hand sweep the section of curb your car blocked, because for 68 bones I would have made that thing look like gold.

4. If it Once Moved, You Can Eat It

My menu of beef and potatoes is quickly expanding. There are food trucks and restaurants everywhere serving anything from octopus to chicken on waffles. Kissing the chef would be an understatement of my affections.

5. Ikea Furniture is Cheap for a Reason

Imagine playing a game of charades but instead of guessing a word you had to guess how to build a 12-piece set of furniture. Thanks to Ikea’s pictures-only instruction manuals, this nightmare is a reality. The worst part is: You can’t get those five precious hours of your life back. It’s not in their return policy.

6. Blondes Run This Town

Being a small fish and moving into a big city has been overwhelming. One night, I put my head in my hands and sighed,”I’m just this little blonde girl.” A sassy neighbor replied, “Honey, blondes run this town.” Dolly Parton could not have been more inspiring and I have held my head high ever since.

7. The “F” Word is an Adjective

The “F” word is highly valued in Utah. People have been saving up this swear word their entire lives in case they ever need a way to describe a catastrophic event. If they get the urge to use it for anything less than a disaster, they use a swear-replacement such as “F,” “freaking,” “flip,” etc. So the first time I heard someone casually say $%^#, I thought something terrible had happened. I have since learned that this word is used for many different creative purposes and does not require me to rush to the aid of every single person that uses it. I have also learned to cover up my wide-eyed reactions by pretending something is in my eye.

8. Men Here Are Beautiful

I have never seen more good-looking men in my entire life. I knew the first time a guy turned to me at Marshalls and said in a low voice, “Hey, that lamp is fresh,” I was in trouble.

9. Honking Isn’t a Good Thing and There is No Such Thing as a Shortcut

In Provo, the only time you hear cars honking is when a sedan crammed full of freshmen boys see a girl for the first time. California is the opposite. Getting a honk is not a compliment and can mean anything from “You should have ran that light” to “I had a gut feeling you were about to cross the road.” It is similar to a game of Operation where even breathing in the wrong direction results in a chorus of beeps.

Unsolved mysteries should really try to tackle why no matter where you are or how far you are going, it will always take you 30 minutes to get anywhere in LA.

10. LA is Home to the Free Spirited

One thing I love and can’t get over is that everyone that I’ve met here marches to the beat of their own drummer. They aren’t scared to be themselves and it’s a strict “no fear” policy. If you want to stand on a ladder in a public place with a loin cloth on….you do it. In all honesty, It’s an amazing environment to be in. Without fear holding anyone back, people are doing incredible things with their time and the energy is contagious.

“You Are Like an Alien That We Get to Show the World”

I have been so surprised from my move to a city, but I have to say I am in love. As terrifying as the move has been, it’s amazing waking up and knowing that each day is going to be a new adventure. So bring it on LA, bring it on.