The Ultimate Women’s Guide to March Madness

A Guest Post By Daniel Rossi

If you are currently alive, you have heard of March Madness. Every year terms like “office pool”, “Cinderella”, “upset alert”, and countless others are thrown around like they were fourth grade vocabulary words.

March Madness is to men what the Nordstrom half-yearly sale, Victoria Secret fashion show, and finding out the new cast for “ Dancing With the Stars” is to women, all rolled into one.

While men all over America sit around watching the game, I picture helpless women sitting alongside their man and his friends, desperately wishing they had a clue as to what was going on. Naturally I am here to bridge the gap and translate the NCAA tournament and college basketball into terms women will easily understand.

Some women may wonder how men can watch SO much basketball. After all, it is the same game, the same ball, the same court, etc… Doesn’t that get boring after a while? Ladies, I will answer that question with a question: Do you ever get bored shopping for adorable shoes? No, you don’t.

Every shoe is different with every company making a slightly different version of the same product. College programs are much the same. Every team has different coaches, different players, and different strategies all while competing in the same product arena, chasing the same ultimate goal.

To help you better understand an overall historical landscape of college basketball, I have broken things down in such a way that you literally could not, not understand.

Team Breakdown:

Tier 1

Duke, North Carolina, UCLA, Kentucky, Kansas: These programs would be considered the Louis Vuitton of college basketball. They have the respect of every other program and are the top dogs.

Tier 2

Syracuse, Ohio State, Michigan State, Louisville, Connecticut: These programs are the Sperrys of college basketball. They are classy and look good and can be dressed up or down depending on the situation.

Tier 3

Gonzaga, Wisconsin, Texas, BYU, Marquette,: These teams are the Vans shoe of college basketball. They are solid, get the job done and will be there every year, but will they ever be considered the top shoe? No.

Tier 4

Binghamton, Grambling State, Louisiana Monroe, Northern Arizona: These teams would be the old pair of dog chewed sandals you forgot to throw away in your closet.

The Opposing Team:

A team’s opponent in the tournament is like your ex boyfriend’s new girlfriend after he broke up with you. You might know the girl really well (within your same conference) or you may have never seen her before in your life (different conference). Either way, they have something you both desperately want.

Position Breakdown:

The Point Guard: The point guard runs the show. The “point” is generally the smallest player on the floor, good passer, good shooter and is in charge of getting his teammates involved. They are almost always the smartest player on the team.

Translation: This is the person in your circle of friends that keeps everyone in the loop about what is going down this weekend. She sends out group texts saying things like “OMG Taco Tuesday this week?!” or “Let’s go dancing Friday.”

WARNING: This person might be super handsome and irresistible to all women…Side note: I was a Point Guard. You do the math.

The Shooting Guard: Generally considered to be the scorer/shooter on the team. They are usually a great defensive player and one of the best athletes on the floor.

Translation: This is the girl in your group who gets the attention when you go out for drinks. She has a little bit of everything. She is cute without trying, graduated with a masters at age seventeen, and has perfect teeth without ever having braces. She has to wear a fake wedding ring just so guys don’t bother her all night long.

The Small Forward: In most cases the in-between player. They are decent at most things but not really spectacular at any one thing.

Translation: This is the girl in your circle of friends that everyone generally seems to forget about. You don’t mind if they are there, and you don’t mind if they aren’t.

The Power Forward: Big, strong, and athletic. They are great rebounders and shot blockers and in some cases the team’s best player.

Translation: This is the Monica of the show “Friends”. She has a ton going for her, cute, smart, funny, but she just isn’t quite Rachel.

The Center: This position is the tallest on the floor. Centers block shots, rebound, and play close to the basket. Most of the time the game of basketball picks them because they are tall, not the other way around.

Translation: This is the tall girl of your circle of friends. She is like a baby giraffe that just came out of the womb, a little gangly and pretty awkward.

The Bracket

You may also be wondering how each year teams in the tournament are ranked and paired together. It really is quite simple, the teams considered the best in the tournament are given the one, two, and three seeds while the worst teams in the tournament are ranked as fourteen, fifteen, and sixteen seeds.

To help you conceptualize this idea in terms women can easily understand, I have created a bracket of my very own…

1 Diamonds vs. 16 Carbs | 2 Shoes vs. 15 Laundry

These Matchups are simple. Year in and year out, one and two seeds prevail. (Note two 15 seeds won this year. I guess laundry is cool too)

3 The Notebook vs. 14 Video Games | 4 Puppies vs. 13 Horses

These matchups are a little more interesting. Every so often, a 13/14 seed can win the day.

5 A Guy With Money vs. 12 A Guy With a Sense of Humor

For whatever reason, at least one 12 beats one 5 every year.

6 Chocolate vs. 11 Frozen Yogurt | 7 Manicure/Pedicure vs. 10 Tanning

You could see both winning, but more times that not the 6 and 7 seeds take it.

8 Cuddling vs. 9 Flowers

The closest matchup in the tourney. It’s really a shot in the dark.(Woman Madness Bracket Note: I could see Cuddling making a deep run in this particular tournament)

Now ladies I am no magician, but by knowing these basic principles of the March Madness tournament, your likelihood of being single next April will drop 36-64 percentage points based on what made up scale you use.

And finally, let’s be honest with one another. No man knows what he is talking about when it comes to brackets. All I do is watch basketball and if you would have chosen this year based on how adorable the team’s uniforms looked, chances are you would have had a more successful bracket than me.

So next year don’t be afraid, fill one out. And if a guy questions your choice just respond with, “They’ve been a great road team all year. They can handle pressure.” Trust me, it’ll work.