Daniel Rossi

Another Thought-Provoking Guest Post By Daniel Rossi

Have you ever wished that you could go to Coachella just to say you did? I certainly haven’t, but I’m sure a good percentage of you have. This next eight minutes is dedicated to you. Six if you are educated.

Recently, you may have been around someone who appeared to be more unshaven than normal and had some unfortunately awkward sun burn lines. Chances are you have been spending some time with a person who attended Coachella.

Every year it amazes me that waves of youths (and probably a few who still wish they were youths) flock to the desert to engage in a weekend of musical foolery. What doesn’t amaze me is that Jack Daniels, tanning oil, and tank top sales skyrocket in the weeks leading up to the, as I call it in my own head, “Super bowl for Hipsters”.

Post Coachella Disorder

While minding my own business last week, I scrambled upon something I deemed to be disturbing. It was someone who diagnosed themselves with what they called PCD or “Post Coachella Disorder”.

Now I may be guilty of making fun of people who have gone to Coachella, but if you diagnose yourself with some sort of post traumatic stress disorder for having withdrawals from a concert in the middle of the desert, the world reserves every right to make fun of you.

It has been put on the record by many via social media that the integration back into normal society after a weekend of Coachella mania is not an easy one. I would argue that these same people were never actually part of what is considered to be normal society.

Side Note: One thing needs to be understood here: I don’t exactly know what goes on at Coachella. I’m obviously never going to go but I can only assume that it would be something like if Woodstock and a John Mayer concert had a child and it was raised on a strict vegan diet. After a time, said child got its first pair of Beats by Dre headphones, thought they were a DJ, started making music, snorting glitter, and the rest is history. Let that marinade for a minute.

Reasons I Did Not Attend Coachella

If the statements given above are not enough reason for me not to want to go already, 100 degree heat would be the icing on the mustache-shaped cake. But seriously, 100 degree heat? Me in the middle of the desert is basically the equivalent of putting an egg in a frying pan, the only question is whether I’m coming out scrambled or over easy. I prefer scrambled. Ladies, make a mental note.

Another reason I will not ever be attending Coachella is because I don’t own enough pairs of TOMS. It would be a true conundrum if I didn’t have several pairs on hand to be ready to transition seemlessly from Radiohead red TOMS to AVICII aqua TOMS to Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg fuzzy black TOMS, etc.

To this point, I have said nothing about the actual music that takes place during this music festival. That might be because this year’s biggest hype was ironically about a dead rapper’s holographic performance. To me that says one of two things: Either the music was terrible or you really enjoy holographic performances with recordings playing in the background. If that’s the case, you might be pathetic. Side note: There were many claims by witnesses that it was actually the real Tupac performing and NOT a hologram. Those people make me hate the idea even more than I actually already did, which Side Note to the Side Note: I didn’t know that was possible.

The Vision

In summary, when I did ask a friend who actually made the pilgrimage this year to comment, he shot me this gem of a text, “I guess the one way to describe Coachella is that it’s a collection of open minded individuals brought together by the beauty of music.” I don’t know, I guess I don’t see how that is all that different than the way that I was envisioning it.

Meet Daniel Rossi

To be honest I have only met Daniel Rossi once. However, I have been a big fan and follower of his twitter(@coachrossi10) for the last six months because of his lack of a filter and obsession with sports, reality TV, and his dog Zoe. Since there are a trillion blog posts written by girls about The Bachelor, I didn’t feel like my perspective would add much to the table. Unfortunately, with the finale coming up, that’s all anyone wants to talk about. So instead of re-hashing what every girl has already said, I convinced Mr. Rossi to give a guy’s perspective on everyone’s current Monday-night addiction. Without further adieu here is the Bachelor update from the man himself.

The Bachelor According to Daniel Rossi

Ben’s hair has a mind of its own so I felt it only appropriate to model my thoughts accordingly, and scatter them all over the place. This article, like love, will have no direction, you will have no concept of beginning, middle, or end, and ultimately it will make no sense. Also like love, it will either leave you wanting more, but more likely regretting you ever spent time on it at all.

Watching “The Bachelor” with my roommates (Hi mom and dad!) has taught me some very valuable relationship lessons. Men should learn to use the show for exactly what it is: A guide of what and what not to do when it comes to dating. For example, we learned last year that wearing a mask to try to impress a woman just makes you look like a creep. Thanks Jeff!

I feel like I have been learning some valuable new tips on how to find true happiness when I am picked to be on The Bachelor (this will happen.)

For example, I would request twenty-five beautiful brunettes with great hair and light eyes. This would immediately rule out Kacie B from the competition. Let’s be honest, she is adorable but that hairpiece would take her three hours just to get it to look halfway presentable. I don’t have that kinda time

Secondly, I would request that we live in an average house in an average city. No luxurious trips or fancy vacations. Fantasy suites in Switzerland? No. We are falling in love in Reno sweetheart and if you’re not cool with that, I have twenty-four other weirdos who are totally down.

Our dates would be something really simple. I’d turn on the Xbox and order up some Papa Johns. Then I’d spend the next hour explaining how I need a girl who can just “be normal”. The girls would all nod like bobble heads in agreeance and claim how normal they have always been. They would then applaud me for wanting a girl who was so normal and how normal that makes me, etc…One or two of them would even claim they felt a real connection with me. Which they didn’t.

By week 3 I would find a way to become the bachelor everyone at home loves to hate. Girls would think I’m a jerk while guys would wish they were me. I would be setting the precedent for what every future bachelor contestant should be like and at the end of my run, I wouldn’t pick anyone in hopes I could come back two seasons later like Brad did. Now that guy knew what he was doing. And see how it worked out for him?! He is happily in love with the woman of his dreams! Wait, who is next season’s bachelorette?

I bet the success rate for The Bachelor would be much higher if my formula was followed. In fact, I would put a large sum of money on it. After all let’s be honest, the success rate couldn’t really get any lower, could it? You now find yourself agreeing and saying “good point”. Inception.

My Finale Predictions

And now the moment absolutely none of you have been waiting for…my final prediction. This is also the time where I tell you who I would choose. None of you care, but let’s be straight with one another, if you made it this far, you undoubtedly have nothing better to do. I was banking on that. Again, inception. Well, here goes…

Proposing to two different women in a matter of a year could/should make any guy uncomfortable, but not Ben! No, he is all about it. Ben goes down on one knee more than Tim Tebow. In fact, if I were Tim Tebow, I would ask Ben if he would be interested in an endorsement deal. The stipulation of course being he would have to cut his hair.

Ultimately Benjamin will of course be choosing Courtney.

You women may be wondering how he could possibly choose her. The answer, however, is really quite simple. Ben is a guy and he can’t help it. With only a month to date twenty five random women, men will almost always choose the one they find the most attractive while being the least annoying. That is why this show has a 4% success rate.

For whatever reason he has had a thing for her since day one. I’m convinced it is because of her eyebrows somehow. Those things just HAVE to have magical powers. They are too weird not to. It might also have something to do with the fact that she acts like a total floozeball 24/7. It could definitely be a combination between the eyebrows and the flooziness. You could convince me either way.

By now we also all know that Lindzi really is the better choice long term.

Unfortunately she has revealed some fatal flaws along the way that will ultimately lead to her demise. One of these flaws, for me at least, was liking horses too much.

It wouldn’t have been a big deal at first. I would have played along, joking about how horses are funny. I would have even been open, like Ben was, about riding them around a bit on the hometown date. However, if I were to pick her, a year from now she would have me moving to a ranch in Texas where I would wake up at 5 AM every morning to take care of horses I never wanted in a million years. And I am NOT a morning person. All of a sudden, I am living a nightmare which could have easily been avoided if I had just gone with the floozy.

Unfortunately, there are a couple more glaring flaws that are outside the realm of her control like how her voice constantly sounds like she needs a cough drop and her condition I like to call “Asymmetrical Dimple Syndrome” or ADS for short. She has a great dimple on the right side of her face with nothing on the left. That alone is grounds for termination in my book but kudos to Ben for being able to look past that. Or at least for having the presence of mind to only look at one side of her face at a time. I think this is the more likely scenario.

My Pick From The Season

When asked who I thought the best looking woman of this season was, I was truly stumped. I guess the answer was more complex than anyone could have ever hoped. If no one ever opened their mouth, it would have no doubt been Jenna the blogger (Whom you are about to Google to remember what she looks like. And once you do you will most likely agree. Inception part 3).

I could have really seen myself staying up late with her, blogging about who knows what. In fact, I can picture us doing just about anything together. Except talking (the biggest weakness of all the women, and men, who come on the show.)

Who knows, maybe she will read this blog and blog about me! Then we could fall into mutual blogness and communicate only via e-mail. Now that is a relationship I could see lasting. Again, as long as we never have to actually talk.

I will now end this fantastical little journey with a bachelor riddle. What would you get if you boiled some water and stirred together the following items? One Courtney eyebrow, a teaspoon of grease, Kacie B’s hair (not done), a ball of yarn, and a hipster’s mustache?

Answer: Ben’s hair.